They just don’t get it, do they? In this case, it’s Elyse who can’t seem to handle the heat she put herself into, i.e. wanting to be solo with a guy who’s dating fifteen other women BECAUSE THAT’S HOW THIS SHOW WORKS!!!!! So, Elyse packed up and left but not before explaining that it wasn’t because of jealousy or insecurity. Uh, there was another reason?
What set her off her insecurity and jealousy was Carlsbad Girl getting a 1-on-1 date on which we got to see Carlsbad Girl get her first kiss. [Cue This Magic Moment by The Drifters] “It felt so natural”, she said, by which she meant getting to that nationally televised smooch was about ten minutes of intolerable awkwardness for the rest of us.
The Group Date was in some Thai jungle – cue Guns N’ Roses Welcome to the Jungle. I’m definitely a city over the country kind of guy and if I’m going to some exotic place, the jungle is not even on my radar – just sayin’. There’s bugs and it’s dirty, c’mon. Anyway, what was most notable about that event was Demi the Dastardly Diva and her team going rogue on the whole foraging in the wild competition and going downtown [cue Billy Joel Uptown Girl] to grab some cheeseburgers and champagne. I love this girl. Please let her be on Paradise.
Other Hannah got the Group Date Rose most likely by being first to play the Could It Be I’m Falling In Love (the Spinners) card. This will make her eventual demise only more painful.
Cassie got the other 1-on-1 date, which was to a patch of sand in the middle of the ocean where her and Colton had nothing to do but put on bathing suits, go back into the ocean and lock lips for hours. When they got unlocked days later and returned to civilization for a dinner date, Colton confirmed their insane chemistry by saying, “I’m crazy about you.” [cue My Girl Britney Spears Crazy]
I have to say that date adds to this season’s intrigue. I previously had Cassie as a dark horse candidate to challenge Caelynn and (The Right) Hannah. I’m not quite ready to change my mind that she’s replaced one of those two off of one hot date but this certainly bears watching, right? Having said that, prior to the group date cocktail party Colton says, “My wife is here. I know it.” And the camera goes straight to (The Right) Hannah. Foreshadowing or cruel teasing? Whichever, I think we need to take Cassie seriously for now.
And that leaves us with the cliffhanger of the Nicole vs. Onyeka drama. Onyeka’s mad because Elyse – the Elyse who bolted (see above) – told her Nicole wasn’t here for the right reasons, i.e. Nicole just wants to get out of Miami. Onyeka felt it was her responsibility to tell Colton. Colton confronted Nicole. Nicole confronted Onyeka. Tayshia told Onyeka she was there when Elyse was talking to Nicole and what Onyeka said Nicole said wasn’t what Nicole said at all. You still with me? I’m not even with me, so it’s OK.
Anyway, all that drama explodes during the Jungle Date cocktail party when Onyeka and Nicole confront each other in the presence of all the other girls. Colton decides to hear them both out – a huge mistake, dude. My experience is that when the women are fighting, you need to run for cover rather than lean in, you know what I’m sayin’?
Alas, we have to wait until next week for this drama to be resolved which is all rather unnecessary because we know it’s all about (The Right) Hanna, Caelynn and Cassie, anyway.
Until the next time . . .
 I have such a close and very personal connection(s) to Carlsbad, CA that’s all that comes to mind. Her name is Heather but I had to have My Daughter Cassandra remind me of that. She’ll always be Carlsbad Girl to me.
 The Jay and The Americans version is nice, too.
 Lots of options here: Crazy on You (Heart) and Crazy (Seal’s or Alanis Morissette’s most excellent cover of that) came immediately to mind. But My Girl Britney is my girl.
 Seriously? She bought that? Who wants out of Miami? I was just there on business and trying to figure out how long I could stay before: a) family members started asking each other when I was supposed to be home or b) the money ran out.
 There has to be somebody to play the it’s-my responsibility-to-tell-the-lead-that-this-person-is-a-horrible-person role.