A three hour show. Or what I like to call a Two-Bottles-of-Bubbly type situation. Just sayin’.
[Cue I’ve Got You Under My Skin, Frank Sinatra version only] Arrrrrrghhhhhhhhh. I had half the blog written in my head until Hannah B. showed up at the end and her and Peter got seriously all up in their feelings. Unless you care nothing about The Bachelor (feel free to question your life choices if you don’t) and/or have lived under a rock for the past few months (feel free to question your life choices if you did), you had already heard the buzz that Hannah the Beast was going to make a dramatic appearance on this season. But I didn’t see this coming as the cliffhanger for the season premiere. Very, very clever move by the Evil Genius Producers which also allowed for some over-reaction from the girls in the house on Hannah’s first appearance [cue Beyonce Ring the Alarm]:
- “We have a crisis!”
- “Is this legal?”
And still, I’m going to put all that last-ten-minutes-of-the-show drama aside and deal with it another time. There were, after all, the other two hours and fifty sparkling wine fueled minutes of the show to comment on and it’s way too early in the season for me to make, like, serious commentary.
By the way, aren’t we all glad that after nearly three hours we didn’t have to listen to the girls’ sex stories in the group date? The theme of the group date was “awkward.” I was watching the show with My Daughter Cassandra (MDC) and her friend.
[Cue Paramore crushcrushcrush] I’m giving my first impression rose to Madison, the baller from Auburn. Apparently, Peter liked her, too, because they had an insanely over the top for a first episode first date. We had to endure his weepy parents’ – especially Dad – renewal of their wedding vows. Peter and Madison quickly expressed feelings for each other. And they got a private concert from the-artist-nobody-knows-but-they-act-like-we’re-supposed to-know, in this case Tenille Arts – who actually is a repeat Bachelor performer!
I will not tolerate any bad words against My Girl Madison until such time I either replace her with somebody else (I’m notoriously fickle) or she gives me reason to turn on her. Peter seems quite smitten with her, too.
Runner-up for Ray’s First Impression Rose was Lexi who pulled up in the old Corvette. And Victoria P. who got sick on the gyroscope had me liking her by the end of the show despite MDC nicknaming her “Vomit Girl.”
[Cue The Marvelettes Too Many Fish In the Sea] So many girls. Thirty girls, actually. So hard to tell them apart.
MDC: “There’s too many blondes.”
MDC: “Even one of the black girls is blonde.”
[Cue Run-DMC You Talk Too Much] The award for being annoying goes to Kelly the Interrupter and Group Date Cheater who previously randomly met Peter prior to the show. Does anybody else besides me feel like they both undersold what happened at that chance meeting? I’m not saying it was a windmill situation but they seemed to have a LOT of chemistry and familiarity with each other. And how nice of the Evil Genius Producers to have the group date at the same hotel where Peter and Kelly met. It sure made all the other girls happy for Kelly.
By the way if you were scoring at home, the first eight girls introduced themselves to Peter without any reference to his being a pilot. Then the next four girls were flight attendants. And the next five girls made cheesy references to his pilotry. Oh, and I made a playlist of flight-related songs in honor of Peter. 🙂
And can we get an “Amen” for not being shown premiere episode viewing parties like last year? We come for the ridiculiciousness and not for people doing the same thing as we’re doing.
See you next week.
P.S. Why did a girl bring Peter a cow?
 Of which I would have plenty.
 She grew up a few houses from ours and works at my favorite wine store so she’s kinda my friend, too. She turned me to the Baldacci Chardonnay Sorelle Carneros for which I will forever be in her debt.
 Colton’s season. And she has new music to promote.
 Or the rip-roarin’ version by Mitch Ryder and the Detroit Wheels
 In case you’re wondering, Wanted Dead or Alive has the line “on a steel horse I ride”. And the video shows the band going from city to city on airplanes.