“She’s entertaining men for money.”
This was Monday’s cold open. It was also in the prior week previews so you knew it was going to be thing. And the thing that’s becoming a thing is that four episodes into Bachelor in COVID, the thing that we’re all dealing with is that:
- Creating compelling and entertaining dates (one-on-one or group) is really hard to do in a pandemic.
- Aside from his 24-pack chiseled abs, Matt is neither compelling nor entertaining as the lead. Actually, he’s downright dull.
These major challenges are showing up in the ratings which not only are low but in each of the first three weeks, viewership was down in the second hour. I guess My Daughter Diandra (MDD) and I weren’t the only ones this week who looked at the clock and thought, “The show is only half over?!”
With COVID in mind, it’s likely the Evil Genius Producers (EGPs) cast an especially annoying villain in the form of Queen Victoria the Vacuous and have kept her around longer than she deserves. They also cast an emotionally fragile Sarah who self-destructed after forming a real connection to Matt. More importantly, they also probably quickly concluded that Matt can’t carry this show. Therefore, they are doing the only reasonable thing to maintain interest – firmly grab the Pull In Case of Emergency handle and RELEASE the DRAMA!!!!!
The DRAMA began with the arrival of five more beautiful, ethnically diverse women – Brittany, Michelle, Ryan, Kimberly, and Catalina (Miss Puerto Rico Universe!) because already having 62 beautiful, ethnically diverse women in the house isn’t enough. The 62 Women of Nemacolin extended a warm greeting to their new housemates.
In particular, MJ, a hairdresser whose hair always is a mess; Ann, who regularly makes facial expressions that looks like she’s having a difficult bowel movement; and Queen Victoria, who apparently decided that having 30% of her time last week graded as positive in tone was hurting her villainess brand, went full Mean Girls Mode, which included Ann accusing newcomer Brittany of having a morally dubious side hustle. That hot Brittany came in strong with extra attitude is adding to the DRAMA.
And for even more DRAMA, the EGPs gave New to Nemacolin Michelle a one-on-one date which further triggered the OGs of Nemacolin. The first part of date featured a scavenger hunt that had only two clues; and a stationary hot air balloon. This seems to be an apt metaphor for the season. Still, Matt and Michelle made a non-trivial connection which was confirmed in the second part of the date in a roomful of classic luxury cars that came with no explanation; and bonding over a Maya Angelou quote that Maya actually never said. The second part of the date also seems to be an apt metaphor for the season.
To continue to stoke the DRAMA, for the group date the girls boxed each other. Raise your hands if you thought this was a bad idea. Keep them up if you thought the Mean Girls of Nemacolin fighting with the New Girls of Nemacolin was a bad idea.
You can put your hands down now, class. The right answer is that it was a bad idea.
And then we finally got a breath of fresh air with Katie. Her story arc has moved past her being the vibrator girl. She’s now the pretty, smart, empathetic moral conscious of the house, trying to put an end to the Mean Girlness that many of the other women have joined MJ, Ann and Queen Victoria in. Alas, the EGPs will not leave enough alone! By confiding in Matt (in a killer black leather and lace dress) about the toxicity amongst the Nattering Nasties of Nemacolin, she’s now become the show’s tattletale. The history of that role is never good. Argggghhhhh. I was starting to really like her, too.
And it’s upon that tattle-taleing cliff that we are left hanging.
A pox on your house EGPs!!
P.S. Tonight’s viewing wine Kirkland Signature Bordeaux Supérieur 2018. I bought it because it was cheap (on sale $5.99?) and I was curious. 3.6 stars on Vivino qualifies it as “good”, so it is a bargain at its price but I don’t like it enough to buy on the regular.