To The Dearly Departed

And even though we may be departing

We’re never alone

And even though we may feel discarded

Well we’ve got a home

And even though you may be downhearted

You’re never alone

And even though you may be departing

Well you’ve got a home… (Kevin Max, To The Dearly Departed)

The theme of Monday night’s episode was breakups. We had a LOT of breakups – an unlucky seven of them which must be a record. I’m here to evaluate each one in order of disappearance.

White Minivan Heather. She should never have been here.

Serena C. Don’t let the door hit you on the way out. Finally, all the Mean Girls (her, Victoria, MJ, and Anna) are gone.

Chelsea. She was classy in arriving and even classier in leaving. In a franchise devoted to rob people of their dignity, she managed to maintain hers from start to finish.

Abigail. Now it gets messy. Matt treated her so badly. “I was so comfortable in [our] relationship that I explored other relationships . . . and my heart’s pulling me in another direction.” OK, hold up. We agree the point of the show is to explore a multiplicity of relationships – a variegated plethora of romantic entanglements, if you will. But, “I like you so I’m putting you on the backburner with the oven off” isn’t the way to go.

Either a) “To keep it real with you I need to tell you that I’m just not feeling it.”; or b) “I’m feeling it with you but I’m feeling it with somebody else more”[1] are both acceptable. Either A or B is expected to hurt but Matt’s Option C was cruel. Especially since Abigail is so adorable.

Kit and her five-year plan. This one was fun. Kit: “There are things I’ve set for my life trajectory that I’m not willing to compromise on that you need to know: finish school and travel to figure out my career path. I’m a long-term investment. These are things you need to consider.” And something about a timeline for babies.

(OMG, at that moment she reminded me of Paris from Gilmore Girls[2], one of my fave TV characters ever.)

Well, when Matt gave Rachael the Group Date Rose, Kit empowered herself to decide Matt wasn’t a fit for her life trajectory: “Hometowns isn’t a figure it out sort of situation. It’s a rest of your life situation.” And she gave Matt what he deserved (see Jessenia, below) by setting him up with sweet bon-bons about “I could see myself falling in love with you[3]” before lowering the boom with “It isn’t me.” [cue The Turtles It Ain’t Me Babe]

I think there’s a better Bachelor Nation match for Kit, anyway. One who is far more emotionally intelligent than Matt.

Jessenia. This was a bad breakup. She gets picked for the last pre-hometown 1-on-1 over Abigail. They seem to have a great date. But at dinner, he says sweet bon bons (she smiles), picks up the rose! (she smiles bigger!) – and then totally blindsides her with “I can’t give you that love right now. I can’t give you this rose.” D@#N, bro. Why you do her like that? DON’T BUILD UP FALSE HOPE! Matt desperately needs to take a lesson from author and speaker Brené Brown: “Clear is kind. Unclear is unkind.”

Pieper. First of all, it needs be noted that there were TWO Rose Ceremonies in this episode.[4] This breakup I did not see coming although maybe the manner in which he let Minivan Heather interrupt his time with her might have been a clue that he wasn’t that into Pieper. She’s also one of the least followed contestants based on @Bachelordata’s Instagram numbers so she apparently hasn’t captured the hearts of Bachelor Nation. What do they know LOL? I like her. She left quite angry, quite hurt, dropping a weak handhold to open the door by herself to the Limo of Shame.

And even though we may be departing

We’re never alone

And even though we may feel discarded

Well we’ve got a home

And even though you may be downhearted

You’re never alone

And even though you may be departing

Well you’ve got a home…

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[1] Technically, the approved language is “my heart is somewhere else”.

[2] Rich, northeastern girl who was always more than a bit intentional about her future.

[3] Even The L-word was on a trajectory LOL.

[4] I wonder if my dear friend KM who always complains about them being cancelled noticed. She didn’t text me.