Only seven suitors left. Only four get hometown visits. Only two of them are Guys Katie Actually Likes, although she thinks she likes a third. That being said – Katie’s pet phrase is the new drinking game, so take a sip – the guys are well aware of this and talk a lot about how important the two 1-on-1 dates are this week, including Michael, who’s wearing his White Christian rapper outfit.
Greg, an early frontrunner and one of the two Guys Katie Actually Likes, gets the first 1-on-1. It was their second date with a theme of Katie’s Seattle hometown, which was clear foreshadowing. There was also a kiss in a gazebo that confused me because I thought that only happens in Hallmark movies. I suppose that was special foreshadowing for the Hallmark Movie Nation crowd.
Dinner featured the second mention of the hotel in the first 25 minutes, which makes me so curious about their deal for promotional considerations.
Katie and Greg are fiercely smitten with each other, which is validated by L-words and lots of kissing in the rain. Decades of movies and pop songs have taught us that kissing in the rain is very serious.
Alas, Brendan, who none of us knew until Katie gave him a rose last week so that the Evil Genius Producers (EGPs) would make him a plot element this week, is displeased that he didn’t get the 1-on-1. “Why am I still here?”, he asks the other guys. Dude, we’ve been asking ourselves the exact same question! He was so displeased that I’m quite sure one of the EGPs said, “Hey (looks at lanyard to see what his name is), uh, Brendan, since you’re so displeased, why don’t you go to Katie’s room and talk to her about it?”
We all knew this wasn’t going to end well [cue Harold Melvin and the Blue Notes Bad Luck].
Six suitors left.
The next date card is for the Group Date, and it is loaded with drama as we await to see whose name is not going to get called. It’s Michael the Chaste who collects that honor.
The Group Date once again had sexuality as a theme, and why will they not let this thing go???? This is why we desperately need COVID to be over so they can travel for dates. The EGPs are running out of onsite ideas.
Michael, one of the two Guys Katie Actually Likes, gets the Group Date Rose over Andrew, Justin, and Blake, who all thought they were going to get it.
And then there was the 1-on-1 with Michael the Chaste. Wow. I was today years old when I learned of a “Cuddle Expert” and a “Cuddle Community.” And that the Cuddle Queen would be the least awkward part of this date.
Wrapping themselves in a variety of cuddle-positions – who knew of such things? Is there a manual? – Katie, looking [cue Olivia Newton-John Let’s Get Physical] for a physical connection, could not stop giggling. However, what wasn’t as giggly was how often Michael the Chaste referred to his mother while contorting his body around Katie in oh-so-many cuddly ways.
Holy Oedipal Complex, Batman!
Five suitors left. Nice shirt, though.
And finally, the drama of the Rose Ceremony. Two Roses on the table. Five remaining suitors and the two Guys Katie Actually Likes already have roses. Blake gets the first of the two roses. Katie thinks she likes Blake, but she really doesn’t. He’s the guy she would hook up with at Stagecoach, have a two-month fling, and that would be it. She’ll figure that out after hometowns. And Justin gets the last rose for reasons that aren’t clear, especially after [cue Rihanna Stay] she and Andrew used 10 of the remaining 15 minutes trying to convince us that she made a mistake and was going to find a way to keep him.
There is no way that this doesn’t boil down to Greg and Michael, right? Unless there is some kind of surprise that the Greg, Michael, Katie, or the EGPs have in store for us. Not a prediction. Not even a premonition. Just a possibility.
See you next week.
P.S. This week’s viewing wine was a delicious Castello Di Albola Chianti Classico. Quite the aroma.
 Or whatever they call themselves.