Writers: How much mayhem do you want us to make?
Evil Genius Producers (EGPs): Yes.
The cliff we were left hanging on last week had Olivia wishin’ and hopin’ and thinkin’ and prayin’, planning, and dreamin’ that Aven would show up to steal Kylee away from Will to make him pay for kissing her and then going out with Kylee. Indeed, Aven does arrive at the beach much to the shock of Jesse and Jesse does a terrible job pretending that he’s surprised.
The EGPs waste no time in turning the Olivia-Will-Kylee love triangle into a quadrangle as Aven with a date card in hand hits up both Olivia and Kylee. Kylee and the EGPs get their wish as Aven decides on Kylee for his date. If it all works out, they’ll be able to able to tell their kids and the grands how everything began with Likes and emoji responses to each other’s social media posts. But before they head out into their future, Kylee pulls Will aside to tell him that everything she said and felt on their date was real but Ima still need to check out this option. So fleeting are the love connections in Paradise.
Jumping ahead, Kylee and Aven really feel each other on their date. I personally think that Aven’s not being able to properly open a bottle of sparkling wine is a red flag but Kylee still felt strong enough about their connection that she breaks up with Will when she and Aven return from their date. It pretty much came down to this:
- Pros for Will: He’s a very nice, sweet, and caring guy.
- Pros for Aven: I want to marry him and have his babies.
Poor Will had no shot.
Just a thought here – Aven breezed into the beach with not so much as a word for Rachel. If memory serves me right,[1] Aven was one of Rachel’s final two on her season of The Bachelorette. She sent him home after the visit to her parents when he revealed that while he was sure that she was his person, he wanted to continue to date to make sure they were right for an engagement. They talked through stuff on After the Final Rose but it still seems odd that the EGPs showed no interaction between them.
Because love triangles are the fuel that feeds Paradise mayhem, we get a new one with Eliza, Aaron B., and Mercedes. Aaron B. macked big time on Mercedes. But now he’s hot for Eliza (who is adorable) who doesn’t know about the macking on Mercedes. Mercedes who takes macking very seriously, is feeling humiliated by his sudden interest in Eliza. And before he gets told on, Aaron B. fesses up to Eliza that he macked on Mercedes. This throws Eliza in a PTSD tizzy because she was involved in a very messy and painful triangle in Paradise last season with Justin and Rodney. After some alone time and camera time talking to the EGPs, Eliza recovers and makes up with Aaron B. who is now torn between her and Mercedes.
And then the real fun begins. Much to the surprise of Jesse Exactly as planned, Hannah B. – The Beast, The Beautiful, The Bachelorette, The Queen – arrives at the beach with mayhem on her mind. This causes quite a stir because either none of the Paradisers know or they are all just pretending not to know that she is engaged. But all the guys want to date her and all the girls are worried that all the guys want to date her. Especially since Hannah’s holding something like a date card. And especially since she pulls only guys to find out what’s happening on the beach.[2]
It turns out that the date card is an invitation to an evening campfire and rather than make smores, it’s the Paradisers who are going to get grilled by Hannah [cue Derek and the Dominos Tell the Truth]. The theme of the Q&A is essentially: 1) who are you vibing with and 2) who else would you like to vibe with? Ooooh, this had everybody giving side-eye to everybody! Well done, EGPs!
With the possibility of roses being given to and received by people who wouldn’t at all mind giving a rose to or getting a rose from somebody else, this has all the for-now couples pledging their for-now fidelity to each other at the cocktail party. Brayden, in particular, is all the way in for Kat who is just in with him meaning she’s got one foot inside the door but quite ready to take both feet out and go in another direction should better options become available. We should count on the EGPs making better options available LOL. And we can count on Brayden to act badly when that happens.
At the cocktail party, Mercedes shoots her shot for Will. They vibe because his grandma’s name is Mercedes, and it feels so good to be chosen by somebody that he’s crying. [cue Van Halen Why Can’t This Be Love]. I fear for him. Criers always get broken on Paradise. It’s like a layup for the EGPs.
At this point, the math is simple for the four girls without a connection: Greer, Cat, Olivia, and Brooklyn. There’s just one unattached guy – the loathsome Pilot Pete 2.0 (who didn’t make it out of the first week of Charity’s Bachelorette season).
The math is mathing for him, too, as his itinerary has him landing on all four of them. Cutie Greer is his first stop and, sadly, she’s hoping that there is a connection, which has me reassessing her. That said, I get it. You arrive in Paradise wanting somebody to want you and wanting to stay on the beach for a while to have fun and to increase your chances of somebody arriving that wants you. But Pilot Pete 2.0 is a high price to pay, girl.
The next layovers are Cat, Brooklyn, and Olivia. His insincerity and smarminess are palpable, especially when his final destination is to make a play for Sam whose eyes are already mutually fixed on Aaron S. Peter questions Aaron S.’s maturity to which Sam doesn’t respond. The word gets back to Aaron S. and a heated, immature tête-à-tête about immaturity ensues.
Finally, it’s to the Rose Ceremony where the only drama is which one of the four girls that he said all the same things to (“you’re so beautiful”, “you’re so mature”) is going to get his rose. It’s Olivia. Goodbye, Greer and Brooklyn [cue Linda Ronstadt When Will I Be Loved]. I’ll especially miss Greer and Brooklyn.
See you next week.
P.S. This week’s viewing wine was a Costco fave: the Opera red blend.
[1] Homage to Chairman Kaga of Iron Chef.
[2] The reaction of everybody to Hannah shows that there is a caste system within Bachelor Nation even at the top tier. There are couples like Ashley I. and Jared but then there is SEAN AND CATHERINE. Rachel arrived to Paradise as a former Bachelorette but OMG IT’S HANNAH BROWN!!!!!
Ray's Musings 
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