This week’s episode of Paradise raised many questions:
- How many times was the word “poop” used?[1]
- How is a poop baby delivered? What is the procedure?[2]
- How many Google searches during and after the show were done for delivering poop babies?[3]
- Was #poop or #poopbaby trending on Twitter/X? [4]
Maybe “poop baby” is also a metaphor for how sh**ty Kat treated Brayden but I’m getting ahead of myself.
[Ed. Note: I love how the Evil Genius Producers [EGPs] have The Golden Bachelor run over a few minutes to force you to watch some climactic ending plus previews of the next episode. Actually, I hate that they do that but I admire the flex.]
The first new arrival to Paradise is Tanner from Charity’s season. I didn’t remember him but per the impassioned swoons, all the girls seem to remember him, especially Jess and Kat. He’s got a date card that says “Love Is a Wild Ride”, which sounds like a bad title of a bad Hallmark movie. We soon discover that Tanner was Jess’s #1 Person She Wanted to Meet but that he was also Kat’s #1 Person She Wanted to Meet. Unfortunately for Jess, Kat was on Tanner’s very, very short list of Persons He Wanted to Meet, apparently implying that he had a list of one. [Ed. Note: these lists are given to the EGPs in advance so that they know who to send to the beach and when to create maximum mayhem.] Tanner chooses Kat for his date and solves this math problem by him subtracting Jess and Kat reducing Brayden to zero.
Kat literally jumps at this opportunity without so much of a glance at Brayden who she had been macking on for days. She begins ghosting him right in front of his face! This sets off the unraveling of Brayden and the conversion of Kat into The Devil’s Bride 2.0[5].
Next to arrive is Tyler from Rachel’s season. Rachel left Tyler in shambles by breaking up with him during Hometowns before meeting his family. And yet, when he pulls her for a convo, she says, “I’ve been waiting for this.” Again, there is a guy on the beach – Aven – that she was READY TO MARRY and we haven’t seen them share a word. But after cycling through Jess, he chooses to date Mercedes because they were on each other’s lists of People I Am Hoping Are in Paradise. If only poor Will had managed to see a copy of this list.
And then the EGPs turn our attention to Sam’s lack of poopiness for nine days. The EMT on staff (my Crack Research Staff has found that he is an actual EMT) is very concerned and if some movement doesn’t happen by sunrise, extraordinary measures may need to be taken. Again, I have questions.
Is “sunrise” a meaningful time for medical professionals to make decisions? Is sunrise just for medical procedures in Mexico or does the time for those decisions need to be adjusted in different parts of the world? I mean, if they’re near the North or South Poles, Sam would have to wait six months.
Returning to the Saga of Kat and Brayden, she comes back from her date with Tanner and immediately breaks it off with Brayden in the coldest way possible [cue a double-play of Foreigner Cold As Ice and Chris Stapleton Cold[6]]. Her conversion to The Devil’s Bride is now complete. Girlfriends Jess and Kylee pull up on Kat to suggest she slow her roll on her lack of empathy and that she might want to consider Brayden’s feelings. Because she is The Devil’s Bride, all that matters are her feelings which she expressed very clearly to him and why doesn’t he get it? Kylee says about Kat that “she’s one-track minded and others are a blur to her.” Sounds like a great person to have as a friend. Kylee and Jess get nowhere. Tanner, beware.
What’s interesting about this situation is how one-time villain Brayden has become a beach favorite, including with former mortal enemies Aaron B. and Sean. Everybody rallies around him while reading Kat for filth [cue Dionne Warwick & Friends That’s What Friends Are For[7]].
Tyler and Mercedes are on their date and looking for signs that they are meant to be. Somehow, spotting a raccoon – a vile, mean animal that has a natural mask and eats trash – is seen as an omen of love sent from the Paradise gods. And then Tyler sees a shooting star! [cue Boy Meets Girl Waiting for a Star to Fall] And they could be in a real love quadrangle, what with Aven and Tyler being boys and Mercedes and Kylee being BFFs and Aven dating Kylee and Tyler dating Mercedes. It’s all so perfect (for now).
And then FIREWORKS!!!
Poor Will is so toast. But Bartender Wells gives him a great piece of advice: just stop dating girls that want to go on dates with other guys. Ah, but that would be breaking the rules of Paradise. And Mercedes, unlike the Devil’s Bride, did leave the door open to Will by saying she has a lot of things to think about and needs to sleep on it and feel the vibes in the morning.
Finally, we circle back to Sam and the will she or won’t she poop by sunrise drama. The clock is ticking [cue The Beatles Here Comes the Sun].
See you next week.
P.S. This week’s viewing wine was an excellent Costco find: Justin Cabernet Sauvignon. So good.
P.P.S. Olivia – spurned by Will in favor of Kylee who then left him for Aven – has turned out to be the most entertaining Paradiser with her funny-snarky color commentary. The girls have The Power of the Roses this week, so she will stick around for another couple of episodes. Recently departed Brooklyn was on my list of People I Am Hoping Are in Paradise because I thought she would be this character. Olivia has been a star in this role.
[1] Maybe my girl @bachelordata IG has the answer.
[2] I don’t think I want to know.
[3] I don’t think I want to know.
[4] I don’t think I want to know.
[5] Thanks, CSP for reminding me that the OG Devil’s Bride was Kate who broke Logan in Paradise last year.
[6] I thought we had it so good/Never really saw this comin’/Oh, why you got to be so cold?/Why you got to go and cut me like a knife/And put our love on ice?
[7] It was actually recorded three years earlier by Rod Stewart.
Ray's Musings 
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