Welcome back to Paradise and the Saga of the Bowels of Sam. Sunrise – that critical chronological moment for major medical decisions – has occurred [cue The Chambers Brothers Time Has Come Today] and Sam has experienced no movement in her lack of movement. Sadly, she must say her goodbyes to Paradise, her potential love connection with Aaron S., and of course, her most important man in Paradise:
My immediate reaction to this was to wonder what if the time to deliver her pooh baby uncontrollably came mid-flight and how bad it would that be if she had to unload ten days of uh, stuff into an airplane lavatory. And how bad that would be for the person waiting in line behind her.
Because we are still climbing the heights of Paradise Mayhem, the Evil Genius Producers (EGPs) send fresh meat to the beach for the ladies to feast on. First, it’s John Henry from Charity’s season. I’m with my Friend and Loyal Follower of These Musings CSP that I was so focused on the beauty of Charity the Gorgeous, I only remember a few of her guys. He was not one of them.
What matters here is that John Henry seems to know who Kylee is because she’s #1 on his list of People He Wanted to Meet. That said, he pulls up on Kat – The Devil’s Bride – first, and she can’t hear a word he’s saying because of how hot he is. Tanner, you have no idea who you’re dealing with, bro [cue Nelly Furtado Maneater].
Then he pulls his pre-season #1 pick, Kylee. Despite her and Aven being a thing, she tells John Henry that she’s open to going on a date with him, “open” being a technical term for “throw my other boy under the bus to explore my options”. Finally, he pulls Olivia and she, too, is smitten to the point that she’s ready to fly away from Pilot Pete 2.0 for a date with the seemingly desirable John Henry.
He decides on Olivia and she does Pilot Pete 2.0 a solid by discussing things with him first. She elects to go on the date but with mixed feelings. Said mixed feelings were not evident on a date that involved a lot of Lovin’, Touchin’, Squeezin’ each other [cue Journey], and some heavy macking in a pool, macking being a step she and Pilot Pete 2.0 have yet to take.
Next to arrive in Paradise is John B., a somewhat memorable guy from Charity’s season who, like John Henry has all the girls proclaiming his hotness [cue The Weather Girls It’s Raining Men]. He starts his selection process with Mercedes which gets Tyler (her current beau) and Will (her former beau) in their feelings. And then for near-maximum carnage, he pulls up on Eliza which sends Aaron B. into a maelstrom of malign emotions. Finally, for full, maximum carnage, John Henry asks Eliza on a date which sends Aaron B. deeper into his maelstrom of malign emotions.
Eliza does Aaron B. a solid by having a convo with him first – see how easy this is Kat? – and explains how she got into trouble last year by putting all her eggs in one basket and losing that basket. While past performance does not predict future results, she’s feeling like she needs to diversify her dating portfolio much to the chagrin of Aaron B. That chagrin was even deeper when Eliza returned from her date with John B. positively glowing.
The scene shifts from dating and love triangles to Wells announcing the debut of The Paradise Truth Box – an anonymous comment box for things you’d like to say to, for, or about anyone [cue The Grass Roots Midnight Confessions]. This inspires Sean to bypass the Truth Box and go straight to Jess to let her know he’s feeling her even though he’s with Rachel. He shoots his shot and misses badly. And while he’s shooting and missing badly, Brayden rolls up on Rachel to let her know what her boy Sean is up to. I can imagine this conversation:
EGP: Hey, Bray, I know you been checkin’ out Rachel. Why don’t you hit her up, dude?
Brayden: Hey, my dude, yeah but nah, Sean’s vibin’ with her, you know what I’m sayin’?
EGP: Dude, he’s seriously hittin’ up on Jess as we speak.
Brayden: Duuuuuuuuuude. Gotta bounce!
Brayden: (five seconds later)
To recap, Sean went behind Rachel’s back to shoot his shot for Jess. He fails miserably. Brayden goes behind Sean’s back to tell Rachel her boy was shooting his shot for Jess.
Now Rachel confronts Sean and it’s really going downhill for him. So rather than take accountability for his creepin’, he accuses Brayden of ratting him out. This is the Paradise drama I live for.
Finally, it’s Cocktail Party time. The girls have the Power of the Rose and Olivia and Mercedes are each feeling torn about how to choose between their two lovers [cue Nelly & Kelly Rowland Dilemma]. But back to The Paradise Truth Box. Wells reads a few innocuous comments, including a request for Brayden and Rachel to make out which elicited lots of ooohs from the crowd and self-conscious glances shared between Brayden and Rachel. But an impatient Aaron S. decides it’s time for him to have people come clean. With his girl Poopless Sam gone, he’s going home, anyway. Why not stir up the s**t she couldn’t deliver? So, he breaks open the box and starts reading.
The first comment is, “Kat played Brayden.” That elicited some audible reactions. Next is, “Tanner should watch out for Kat.” And then, “I don’t think Kat is looking out for Jess like she thinks.” Oooooh. The fires of hell are being stoked.
And then there is another request for Brayden and Rachel to make out, to which Brayden says, “Rachel can I pull you?” and she responds, “Yeah, please!”
Macking ensues.
Sean is less than thrilled.
Meanwhile, The Devil’s Bride is “hitting new vocal octaves” (great chyron LOL). She unleashes a diatribe full of fire and brimstone at all those who would question her (lack of) character, her (lack of) honesty, her (lack of) self-awareness, and her (lack of) concern for the feelings of others.
Why wouldn’t she? After all . . .
The episode ends with Sean and Aaron S. pondering their possible last night in Paradise, lamenting their lack of good fortune, and Sean praying for a Paradise miracle [cue The Chanteclairs Someday My Love Will Come My Way[1]].
We have that and other cliffs we are left hanging on. Who is going to get Olivia’s rose – John Henry or Pilot Pete? Will it be Aaron B. or John B. who gets Eliza’s rose? Will Mercedes go back to Will or stay with Tyler?
It’s starting to get juicy. See you next week.
P.S. This week I finished off an open bottle of the fabulous Justin Cabernet. With the news of My Girl Britney dropping a bio this week, the irony of the juxtaposition of her with the name Justin here is not lost on me.
[1] I went way into the wayback machine for this one!
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