Our latest chapter in Paradise Mayhem began with a blonde in a beautiful black gown crying in a limo bemoaning her lost opportunity to find everlasting love . . . oh . . . wait . . . that was the bleed-over[1] of Golden Bachelor into the Paradise hour.
So much has happened and is happening on the beaches of Paradise (promotional considerations by the Playa Escondida Resort), I thought it would be best to step back and take stock of where we’re at. I watch a lot of NBA basketball and it’s easy to know who is playing for whom. At Paradise, the players change teams so quickly, that it can get confusing.
So, to summarize where we started this episode, here were the Paradise Couples Power Rankings coming out of the Rose Ceremony with the girls holding the roses that began Thursday’s episode.
Solid As a Rock (for now as the Evil Genius Producers (EGPs) reserve the right to try to destroy these relationships [Theme song: Solid as a Rock Ashford & Simpson]
- Kylee and Aven
- Eliza and Aaron B – now that Eliza explored her option of John B and opted for Aaron B
Vibing – (for now as these relationships have no shot of lasting) [Theme song: Love the One You’re With Stephen Stills/Isley Brothers]
- Jess and Blake
- Mercedes and Tyler – now that she has dumped the now twice-dumped Will
Burning Hot Like a Supernova [Theme song: Supernova Kylie Minogue]
- Rachel and Brayden – Like a supernova, this relationship will be extremely bright and powerful, and then perish
Really? [Theme song: Ruin My Life Zara Larsson]
- Olivia and John Henry – now that Olivia has chosen the bland John Henry over the slimy Pilot Pete 2.0
Seriously? [Theme song: Girls Just Wanna Have Fun Cyndi Lauper]
- Samantha and Pilot Pete 2.0 – despite Sean praying for salvation in the form of a new girl coming to the beach, said new girl – Aussie former Paradiser Samantha – chose the slimy Pilot Pete over him. This should cause Sean to repent of all his life choices. But what Sam is really here for is to stir things up and make her own waves on the beach.
Runnin’ With the Devil [Theme song: Runnin’ With the Devil Van Halen] (duh)
- Kat (the Devil’s Bride) and Tanner – now that she has formally dumped Brayden and he has found solace in Rachel
Now with the teams all set, a Date Card arrives and it’s for Rachel because the EGPs know it’s time to get the ex-Bachelorette some screentime. She and Brayden have a very physical date turning each other into piñatas in a way that involves a lot of touching. They have so much sexual energy. They will convince themselves they are a thing because of the physical attraction. But IMO they’ll eventually figure out they aren’t a thing.
For the next game, the EGPs send in a new competitor, one that I am quite excited about. HELLO DAVIA!
The scorching hot Davia has her heart set on just one guy, and because that one guy – Tanner – has been vibing with The Devil’s Bride, we all know it’s about to go down in a big and messy way. The fact that the EGPs had Goddess Davia arrive on Kat’s birthday makes things even messier.
To no one’s surprise, Hottie Davia pulls Tanner for a talk, and Paradise: The Descent of The Devil’s Bride begins. Tanner returns and he’s beaming from ear to ear having spent time in the presence of a beautiful angel. Davia returns and all her votes are in. The only candidate on her ballot is Tanner and she chooses him for her date. Tanner pulls Kat for a talk and the other Paradisers are applauding Davia for her flex. Karma is a b*tch. And, indeed, the Devil’s Bride has her meltdown. And Tanner and Davia have a hot and sometimes steamy date.
I imagine the behind-the-scenes convo went like this:
EGPs: We need you two to put the “hot” in hot date.
Davia and Tanner: How much hot do you want?
EGPs: We want the viewers feeling like this.
Now that the EGPs have messed with Kat, they turn their mayhem-filled eyes toward all the other couples. Newly arrived Sam the Aussie decides things are boring and cranks up a game of Truth or Dare. It’s mostly harmless fun. Paradisers crossed lines that would normally cause problems in normal relationships but there is nothing normal about relationships in Paradise. So, in order:
- Aaron B. eats a very hot pepper that Sam pulled from her bra.
- Braydon lap dances on Jess.
- Kylee twerks.
- Pete “kisses” Kylee whose lips decidedly did not kiss back.
- Mercedes kisses John Henry in a mutual full-mouth exchange that leaves his girl Olivia a little shaken.
- The Devil’s Bride has recovered enough from her descent back into hell to take a shot off John Henry’s abs and that leaves his girl Olivia a little shaken.
- Olivia shakes up everybody by sucking on her boy John Henry’s finger in a non-PG-13-rated way.
And then things got serious. Jess was asked if Blake was her #1 and she hesitated before saying yes. For sure there have been questions from the start about how many vibes Jess has for Blake. But Jess is indicative of the struggles that introverted personality types face on a show that requires a LOT of very extraverted energy. The hesitation could just as easily be the typical pause when introverts feel put on the spot, especially in a public setting. Also, introverts need time and space to process their thoughts and feelings, and Paradise more than the rest of the franchise does NOT provide alone time and space. She’s likely been going along to get along without really knowing what her true feelings are about Blake or other guys she’s known to have an interest in, e.g. Tanner and Tyler.
This naturally has Blake questioning his connection with Jess and prompts him to talk with her, a talk that is very much an extravert doing the wrong things in a difficult conversation with an introvert, e.g. putting her on the spot and not allowing her enough time to process his questions [cue Joe Jones You Talk Too Much]. This does not bode well for their future. Meanwhile, Rachel and Brayden, and Olivia and John Henry are busy ratcheting up the vibes of their connections.
In the morning there are more difficult conversations. Davia pulls Kat for one. It’s clear that Davia is going to shoot her shot with Tanner but it’s unclear how much doubt she has about whether or not she thinks he played Kat. And then Tanner pulls Kat for a talk that has Sam feeling, “I’m actually kinda scared of what’s gonna happen. I’m getting my popcorn ready and bracing for the impact. Kat might just burn Paradise down [she chuckles]”.
And that is the cliff we are left hanging on. Next week’s previews look juicy. Encoupled people appear to be exploring other options with other encoupled people because Paradise. AND CHARITY COMES TO VISIT PARADISE!!!! And perhaps makes life miserable for Aaron B. Again.
Can’t wait.
See you next week.
P.S. This week’s viewing wine was an excellent Willamette Valley Vineyards Whole Cluster Pinot Noir.
[1] I’m not sure that is a word but I’m going with it.
Ray's Musings 
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