Due to an overload of obligations that pay the bills and keep the wine bar amply stocked, this, and perhaps next week’s blogs will be shorter and possibly posted later than usual. But our most recent episode is easy to meaningfully recap succinctly, as the Evil Genius Producers (EGPs) had one thing on their mind: forget about last week’s couples. They are so . . . last week.
So let’s update last week’s Paradise Couple Power Rankings. In the Solid as a Rock (for now, as the EGPs reserve the right to try to destroy these relationships) category, we had Eliza and Aaron B. While in the Ladies room with Eliza, The Devil’s Bride Kat decides to dish some dirt she got from her “best friend[1]” Charity about Aaron B.
It’s the usual stuff: after his breakup with Charity, he got into a relationship and then got into another relationship that may have overlapped the other relationship, and the second relationship may or may not have been going on just before Paradise and is he really here for the right reasons (take a sip!). This revelation and Aaron’s rather unconvincing relating of these revelations has Eliza questioning the relationship.
In the Vibing (for now, as these relationships have no shot of lasting) category we had Jess and Blake. A stunning Genevie arrives at the beach. With Blake not sure of where he is with Jess because Jess isn’t sure where she is with Blake, he’s good to go when Genevie decides to choose him for her date.
With Jess down in the dumps wondering if she’s blown it with Blake, Tyler comes over to cheer her up and pretty soon they’re macking. This is going to make things messy for our other Vibing couple which Tyler is a part of with Mercedes.
In the Burning Hot Like a Supernova category we had Rachel and Brayden. Becca arrives at the beach and Brayden – who lives life like five seconds ago is ancient history – could not be happier to be asked on a date by Becca. They have a great date, he is smitten, and Rachel gets paradised.
Two categories experienced concurrent chaos. In the Runnin’ With the Devil category, we had The Devil’s Bride Kat and Tanner. Tanner had the breakup talk with Kat, saying they had “personality differences” which is a kind way of saying that she is satanic. That and the fact that his new girlfriend Davia is the hottest girl on the beach. So she sets her sights on John Henry who is In the Really? category with Olivia. He seems amenable to the wiles of The Devil’s Bride because while he tells Olivia that she is his #1, he owes it to himself to learn more about Kat. Kat for her part wants to learn if John Henry is a better kisser than her prior BF Tanner. [cue Sixpence None the Richer Kiss Me]
All of these EGP machinations leave us with two couples unscathed for now. Still in the Solid as a Rock category [new theme song: We’re Still Here Steve Perry] are Kylee and Aven. I still don’t understand why Aven and Rachel have apparently canceled each other. But since she’s now single, wouldn’t it be great if the EGPs are conspiring to get them back together [cue Luther Vandross The Second Time Around]? Not a prediction. Just a fairly unrealistic thought.
The other couple that’s good for now is our Seriously? couple of Samantha P. and Pilot Pete. But can we really call them a couple? They’re more like useful EGP agents of chaos and confusion.
We ended with Eliza wishing there was some way that Charity could come to the beach and give her the receipts on Aaron B. And Paradise is the place where wishes come true, if by wishes we mean someone’s romance will be ruined when the wish is granted. And, of course, Her Royal Highness Charity arrives and is greeted with great joy.
The EGPs have left us hanging on many cliffs! The Devil’s Bride is going to get her kisses from John Henry [cue Carly Rae Jepsen This Kiss] which sets up a conflagration with Olivia. Aaron B. is about to have his day in court with Charity presenting the prosecutorial evidence and Eliza as the jury. And the guys are holding the power of the Roses this week. Which ways will the triangles break? Will Eliza accept a rose from Aaron? Will Brayden choose Becca or Rachel? Will Blake choose Jess or Genevie and will Tyler choose Jess or Mercedes? Will John Henry choose The Devil’s Bride or Olivia?
Sounds like fun.
See you next week.
P.S. This week’s viewing wine was the rest of an open bottle of Fundamental Cabernet Sauvignon.
[1] Do we really buy this? I need to see some receipts on this alleged BFF-ship.
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