Dear Suits at ABC (sABCs):
I respect your right to program your network in whatever way suits your strategic objectives. As an occasional consumer of said programming, I would appreciate accurate and updated information about the provision of your content so that I can allocate the precious resource of my time around the consumption of Bachelor in Paradise in an optimal fashion. The weekly running over of Bachelor for Old People into Paradise is annoyance enough. But this past week’s extended incursion into Paradise wasted too much of my time and valuable sips of wine. You know when you’re starting Paradise. Can you just tell us?
Thank you for coming to my Ted Rant™.
When we were last left hanging on the cliffs of the beaches of the Playa Escondida Resort, Tupac was asking questions of our couples from the great beyond.
The biggest cliffhanger was how Eliza would handle the rumors she heard from Kat about her boy Aaron B. That these rumors were coming from The Devil’s Bride should have given us clues as to how this would play out[1]. Charity arrived to tell Eliza that there was nothing nefarious about Aaron’s pre-Paradise romantic entanglements; the rumors about him sprung from the ramblings of a toxic ex; and, most critically, Charity gave Eliza the magic words every woman in the Bachelor franchise wants to hear – that her guy is here for the right reasons (take a sip). So all of this was the Evil Genius Producers (EGPs) letting The Devil’s Bride stir stuff up as is her wont. It was all much ado about nothing. And for his part, Aaron B. leaned into his pursuit of Eliza even harder. He even dropped the “falling” word.
Attention is then turned to Kat’s hard charge to steal John Henry from Olivia. Bartender Wells fittingly notes that Kat has made several prior hard charges – Tyler, Tanner, Brayden, and now John Henry, “At this point, if you aren’t being pursued by Kat, there’s something wrong with you.”
By the way, Olivia’s monologues on everything, and especially the way The Devil’s Bride has gone after John Henry, have been the best parts of this season.
Meanwhile, Jess and Blake clean up their mess, much to the chagrin of Genevie, who is now facing the prospect of going into a Rose Ceremony without a guy to give her a rose.
Then we’re made aware that Tanner has been The Player of Paradise. He had already dumped Kat for hottie Davia. But Desperately Seeking Rose Genevie hits him up at the cocktail party, and pretty soon, they’re macking. And then, while he’s “floating around,” he alights on Desperately Seeking Rose Rachel – having been paradised by Brayden and Becca – and pretty soon they’re macking.
And speaking of macking, Kat finally gets some with John Henry.
Finally, we get to the Rose Ceremony. With all the drama centered around John Henry (Kat vs. Olivia) and Tanner the Player (hottie Davia vs. Genevie vs. Rachel), the EGPs add another element. Brayden’s Becca isn’t at the Ceremony!! After coming all the way to Paradise, she’s now questioning whether what she has after one date with a guy she met five minutes ago is real.
Girl – have you ever seen this show?
So Becca bails on Brayden.
As to the roses – tell us how it is Mr. DJ!
Cue The Zombies She’s Not There: Brayden
Cue Chicago Getting Stronger Every Day: Aven and Kylee; Aaron B. and Eliza.
Cue Al Green Let’s Stay Together: Tyler and Mercedes; Blake and Jess.
Cue Etta James Something’s Gotta Hold On Me: Tanner and Rachel; John Henry and Kat aka The Devil’s Bride.
Cue Billie Eilish Lost Cause: hottie Davia and Genevie. They did not receive a rose, took a moment, and said their goodbyes.
Cue Britney Spears Crazy: Pilot Pete 2.0 and Aussie Sam.
Cue Anastacia Left Outside Alone: Olivia.
After doing the wrong thing by pursuing Becca when he had a good thing going with Rachel, Brayden gives his rose to Olivia in the hopes that someone new will arrive in Paradise, which will happen because the EGPs know Olivia is too entertaining to leave us yet.
So, left hanging on the cliff this week is Olivia and whether or not she’ll get a date with the new arrival, Michael. And look out, Blake (and Jess)! Blake’s ex-fiancee Katie arrives at the beach – and appears to be without a date card! Hmm, what manner of evil are the EGPs planning?
See you next week.
P.S. This week’s viewing wine was a Domaine Loubejac Pinot Noir Willamette Valley.
P.P.S. Me, when hottie Davia didn’t get a rose.
[1] The Hebrew word “satan” means accuser” or “adversary.”
Ray's Musings 
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