WHO WILL SURVIVE THE MOST SHOCKING ROSE CEREMONY OF THE SEASON?
By shocking, Jesse Palmer must have meant the number of commercial breaks we had to endure to get there. After the two-plus hour Finale of The Bachelor for Old People, The Suits at ABC (sABCs) apparently decided to pad their bottom line with ad revenue. It certainly felt like for every five minutes of Paradise, we had to watch five minutes of commercials.
Our all-too-short time together begins, to no one’s surprise, with the end of Jess and Blake. They never got on the same page. When Jess was hot, Blake ran cold. When Blake ran hot, Jess went cold [cue Friends of Distinction Going In Circles]. Saying, “I’ve tried and failed,” Blake pulls the plug and heads for the exit limo door. Kylee dashes after him, pleading for him to stay, “I can’t do this without you. What am I supposed to do?” Were we supposed to know that Kylee and Blake were such close friends? Did I miss something?
The next relationship to be swept away by the Paradise tides was Mercedes and Tyler. He had already been called out by The Truth Box as not being into Mercedes. He finally came clean by saying he had “no spark” and is the next to leave the confines of the Playa Escondida Resort. Mercedes felt led on and played, and the Evil Genius Producers had the raccoon from their first date make a reappearance. Friend and Follower of These Musings CSP pointed out to me that raccoons are representations of The Trickster archetype. Good on the EGPs for the use of this trope in Tyler’s role.
Putting those relationships aside, things are going smoothly for Olivia and Michael, especially now that she knows his name. He builds her a basketball hoop, which she is totally thrilled with. Olivia is a baller? OMG, do I love this girl even more now?
Then, stuff gets confusing. Jess and Mercedes have just been dumped, and they have roses to give out. Olivia exhorts recent arrivals Jordan (who he?), Taylor (who he?), Tanner, and Brayden to “get out there and shoot your shot.” But it’s Rachel who shoots her shot with Jordan. Unfortunately, he’s aiming for Mercedes. [cue Gary Clark, Jr. I Got My Eyes on You (Locked & Loaded)]
Inspired by Kylee’s pep talk to Mercedes about still putting herself out there and being open to Jordan’s pursuit of her, meek and mild Jess starts playing the field. First, Brayden pulls up on her. Then, Jordan[1] hits her up. And in a scene reminiscent of The Bachelor or The Bachelorette, Tanner breaks into Jordan’s convo with Jess, not meaning to swoop in, even though he did and never wanting to interrupt anybody’s time, even though he did. He gives her some speech about how her being so into Blake was a green flag to him and a super-attractive quality, you know, and she seems to buy it.
Finally, we get to the Rose Ceremony after ABC has collected most of their ad revenue. With Kylee and Aven, Eliza and Aaron B., Olivia and Michael, Kat and John Henry, Aussie Sam and Pilot Pete 2.0 all boo’d up [cue Ella Mai Boo’d Up], all the suspense is with Jess, who has three suitors; and Rachel and Mercedes, what with Rachel going for Jordan while he is going after Mercedes.
Jess gives her Rose to Tanner. Taylor thought she said his name, and he stepped forward. AWKWARD![2]
Mercedes gives her rose to Jordan.
Rachel has nobody to give her rose to and tearfully exits.
And goodbye, also, to Brayden and Taylor[3], who have no one to get a rose from.
Thursday night is the Finale. Who’s getting married! Who will get engaged? Who will leave Paradise together? Who will have a bad breakup?
See you then.
P.S. The viewing wine for the penultimate episode was an Unanime Malbec (Argentina), one of my faves.
[1] Who is he?
[2] Who is he?
[3] Who is he?
Ray's Musings 
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