The season started with 30-something women, and by that, I mean the number of women rather than their age, lest Medina feel offended for being the ripe old age of 31. This episode began with only 18 women. I have no idea who is gone, and the rest of the women all seem the same except for everybody’s darling Daisy and the three Potential Troublemakers, Maria, Jess, and Sydney.
Of course, Mortal Enemies and Potential Troublemakers Maria and Sydney get called to be part of the first of two Group Dates. It’s a fake pageant – another low-budget event (see references to Michael Bolton below) – starring a quartet of Golden Bachelorettes as part of ABC’s promotion of what will surely be a Golden Bachelorette spinoff.
The girls competed in sleepwear, a Q&A, and a talent show where The Really Annoying Potential Troublemaker Sydney failed miserably at doing something that resembled cheerleading. Unless she was trying to be that bad at it, but she was bad at being bad at it, too. Lexi, whose “talent” was kissing, was crowned the winner and won the title of Mrs. Right, which got the girls feeling a certain way, deeming macking not to be a talent.
At the after-party, Medina gets prompted by the Evil Genius Producers (EGPs) to tell decides to tell Joey about being bullied in the house. We know a Big Bully Beef is coming, but while we wait for that, somebody named Jenn, that I was confusing with someone named Lea, gets a 1-on-1 date card. And someone named Kelsey, whom Joey seems smitten by, gets the Group Date Rose.
Joey then kicks off the next round of The Big Bully Beef, starring old lady Medina and Mortal Enemies and Potential Troublemakers Maria and Sydney. He says if there is bullying going on in the house, he needs to hear about it, and then promptly gets up and leaves without hearing about it. That leaves all the girls to continue to hear more about it from Potential Troublemakers Maria and Sydney.
Later on, Michael Bolton continues getting paid [cue Jungle Steady Earnin’] by serenading Jenn and Joey with the song Eyes on You from his 2023 album Spark of Light[1].
Group Date #2 was another low-cost affair that was clever and personally meaningful to me as a big tennis fan. After giving Mr. Bolton his bag, the EGPs had enough left in the budget to get former pro stars turned television commentators Pam Shriver and James Blake to host The Bachelor Open. The girls got some tennis lessons and then dressed in ridiculous outfits.
Better they did that rather than try to compete with Charity on her The Bachelorette date with Joey.
Somebody named Kelsey Katelyn, whom Joey seems smitten by, gets the Group Date Rose. JOEY IS CATCHING FEELINGS FOR EVERYBODY!
My Daughter Diandra (MDD) says that makes the EGPs job of obfuscating his top three easier, although all of Bachelor Nation is convinced that one of those top 3 is Daisy.
Instead of a Cocktail Party, Jessie announces a pool party that has blatant Kentucky Fried Chicken sponsorship. Seriously, how big was that Michael Bolton bag, anyway?
After Joey catches more feelings with more girls, there is yet another round of The Big Bully Beef, starring Mortal Enemies and Potential Troublemakers Maria and Sydney, as Potential Troublemaker Sydney continues exaggerating and lying about Maria [cue En Vogue Lies]. Joey confronts Maria and gets a different version of events that leaves him with doubts about the whole situation. [cue The Rascals How Can I Be Sure]
The girls are over the drama, but the EGPs clearly aren’t because Joey keeps both at the Rose Ceremony. Is there a 2-on-1 coming during the Dramatic Two-Night Episode next week? I can only hope so, as I’m also tired of this particular drama, especially Troublemaker Sydney.
See you next week.
P.S. This week’s viewing wine is a regular fave – Opera Red blend from Costco.
[1] My Crack Research Staff has found that it charted at #75 and #85 in Germany and Switzerland, respectively. The single Eyes on You failed to chart, anywhere. TV appearances > new music royalties.
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