At the outset, I want to thank the Suits at ABC (sABCs) and the Evil Genius Producers (EGPs) for their opening announcement to humorously remind me that I am not their target demographic.
The opening beefcake scene further reinforced that reminder. There is no way that this scene is anything other than staged! Not only are the guys “working out” dangerously close to each other but besides the small stand of dumbbells, there is no other equipment around. Like, where did the brother in the corner get his iron from? And not even ONE stud is wearing a tee shirt? #NotReality
So we enter the second episode in Melbin with 15 guys, many of whom me and my watch group still don’t know.
That said, from the way the Season Premiere was edited, my Musings said the following guys were likely to play a significant role in making the season impactful to Jenn’s love life and Bachelor Nation’s entertainment: (Love Virgin) Sam N, Grant, Sam M, Thomas N, Aaron, Dylan, and Devin. Five of them played a big role this week, and the previews suggest this will remain true in ensuing weeks. But let’s recap this week.
Spencer, the Pet Portrait Entrepreneur1 we haven’t seen much of, gets the first 1-on-1. They take a helicopter ride – another familiar trope – where they fly over The Twelve Apostles, the iconic collection of limestone formations, about which My Daughter Cassandra (MDC) wondered which one betrayed Jesus. Given how often betrayal is a theme of The Bachelor/Bachelorette, it’s a reasonable question.
Other than the beautiful sights, it’s a relatively dull date that the EGPs try to spice up with the fireworks trope, which likely signals that the Pet Portrait Entrepreneur may be around for a while.
Ah, but back in the hotel, the EGPs are raising Sam M’s villain quotient (along with co-conspirator Thomas N) with his constant jabs at Devin and his inability to “keep the main thing, the main thing.” Sam says Devin is “not worth a second of my breath or my energy,” while every second of his breath and energy is devoted to Devin [cue Olivia Newton-John Hopelessly Devoted to You].
Group Date #1 was the object of the opening warning. The guys did stripper routines å la The Chippendales for the prize of Mr. Love Down Under and solo time with Jenn.2 Fortunately, I was interrupted by warnings from the National Weather Service and thankfully missed some of these proceedings. Also, fortunately, I was left unscathed by the storm, even though I was slightly scathed by the brief stripping portions I saw. Also scathed was Carlsbad, California’s own Sam N, for dropping the L-word in lieu of disrobing, which the guys felt was inappropriate and naive.
At the after-party, Sam M and Thomas N continue their beef with Devin, driven by their shared team value of Keeping the Main Thing The Main Thing. It’s very evident that their Main Thing is Devin.
Much to their chagrin, they come away from the after-party very scathed when the EGPs tell Jenn to give Devin the treasured Group Date Rose.
Devin winning the Group Date Rose made me happy not only for entertainment value but I also would have hated to see Sam M rewarded for his borderline sexual assault on Jenn in their moment at the after-party. There is clearly a falling-for-the-bad-boy theme happening here, which is concerning given Jenn’s admissions of her relationship history. And the EGPs are using this toxic combination to create drama.
And, then, more [planned] drama! Prior to Group Date #2, Aaron gets a call from his Air Force supervisor about a limited-time opening for a slot in an exclusive fighter pilot training program. I imagine conversations with the EGPs like, “Can we cast someone facing a love vs. career decision? We can probs create some drama around that.”
But first, race cars! With stickshifts! And right-hand drive! It’s some rando guy “me” vs. The Ever-Fearful Hakeem vs. Jeremy vs. Aaron. I still don’t know who “me” was on this date.
Anyway, it’s a one-lap race to get alone time with Jenn. And it was a definite set-up to have Aaron – the guy used to propelling fast things and has experience driving stickshift – lose the race to Jeremy, allegedly by only three seconds. Without winning those few precious minutes to further a relationship with someone he’s spent minutes of time with, he can leave and pursue his lifelong dream with a clear conscience.
But before Aaron leaves, he makes sure that Jenn knows – grab your adult beverages, boys and girls – that some guys are “not ready” for love and “not here for the right reasons.” Then, Aaron leaves Melbin without naming names or facing any consequences.
An irate Jenn comes into The Cocktail Party with an incensed I’m-not-here-to-play speech [cue Bon Jovi It’s My Life]. And Sam N, because he’s keeping the main thing the main thing, i.e., Jess, and “he,” i.e., Devin, is not worth a second of his breath or his energy, and literally says about Devin, “I literally have nothing to say to you,” literally cannot stop dragging Devin. [cue Twice I Can’t Stop Me]
Sam M and Thomas N get Roses to ensure future beef with Devin. We lose the always terrified Hakeem, much to the chagrin of My Daughter Cassandra (MDC).
The EGPs also make sure that The (Naive) Love Virgin Sam M gets the Final Rose of the Night so that he can suffer abuse next week.
That’s a wrap. See you next week.
P.S. Tonight’s viewing wine was Oriane Grenache-Syrah from the Languedoc-Rousillon region of France.
P.P.S. Can anybody explain why there is a page on right-hand drive on my bank’s website?
- Can someone explain how this works? Does he take pictures? Does he have a team of photographers with different styles to choose from? Can you choose between pictures in the studio or a venue of your choice? Is there an app? ↩︎
- Are the Chippendale’s still a thing, or is this an old person’s reference? ↩︎
Ray's Musings 
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