With two hours of content this week instead of five like the prior two weeks, I have time to answer your burning Paradise questions!
Q: How awkward was April’s physically flirting with Jonathan by laying her head on his bare chest and purring?
A: Yes.
Q: How does April being an airhead a free spirit make everybody think she is “spiritual?”
A: [shrugs shoulders] I got nothing.
How baller was Golden Gary’s entrance?
A: Yes.
Flamenco dancers preceded his grand entrance to Paradise, and he strutted out of the limo with some hip-hop accompaniment to much enthusiasm from other The Goldens.
Q: Is Gary a playa?
A: Baller Gary went right straight to work with TWO Goldens: Natascha and Leslie. (Cue Big Pun Still Not a Player – “I’m not a player, I just crush a lot.”)
Also, at no time in my history with The Bachelor franchise did I have a Barry White reference on my bingo card. Thank you, Baller Gary. But at no time during Gary’s times with his lady friends did the New Evil Genius Producers (NEGPs) play a Barry White song. He even went on a DANCING date with Leslie!! They couldn’t have worked in a little Never, Never Gonna Give You Up or Can’t Get Enough of Your Love Babe? Seriously? Big missed opportunity.
Q: How disgusting is transferring your chewing gum mouth to mouth with another person?
A: Yes.
As if I didn’t already dislike the Jeremy/Bailey pairing.
Q: How desperate is Jonathan to stay in Paradise?
A: Yes.
Usually it’s Bachelor/Bachelorette villains that go to Paradise to be rehabilitated. In Jonathan’s case, it’s the opposite. He was the nice guy that was a fan fave during Jen’s Bachelorette season that has turned into a sniveling, whiny, opportunistic vulture.
Q: How much fun is the we-knew-it-was-coming Dale/Kat meltdown?
A: Yes
Kat gets the ball rolling by asking Dale to tell her if he kissed somebody else in the Kiss-and-NO-TELL game. An awkward convo ensues, much to the consternation of Dale, who “deaded” the snog he shared with Alli Jo, and saw no point in discussing the issue with Kat because he deaded it, and there is absolutely no reason for her to be in her feelings because he deaded it, and he’s upset he’s not looking forward to the Rose Ceremony because he deaded it, and he’s mad because they’re still talking about it after the Rose Ceremony because he deaded it, and . . . deaded it . . . deaded it . . . deaded it . . .
And bro compared her to his ex!!! Dude. How is there any coming back from that?
By the way, when I re-watched the scene where she told the girls she didn’t know how many times he said “I deaded it”, a subtle voiceover said, “37.”
Seriously – Dale compared Kat to his ex.
Rose Ceremony Scorecard (girls in charge)
- Parisa – Brian: Who cares?
- Bailey – Jeremy: I’m waiting for their demise.
- Alexe-Andrew: I’m waiting for their demise.
- Natascha steals Baller Gary from Leslie, even though he’s into Leslie.
- Leslie reluctantly gives a second-hand rose (re-cueing Barbra Streisand) to The Captain, who she is not here for because she is into Gary.
- Kathy – Keith: I don’t care.
- Jess – Spencer: I’m rooting for these two crazy kids despite the anything-can-happen nature of Paradise (cue Ellie Goulding Anything Could Happen)
- Jill – Sean aka Prince Charming: Good for Jill while it lasts, which can’t be long.
- Kat – Dale. And see April, below.
- April picks Jonathan so he can stay and find the love she feels he deserves and would gladly give him were it not for the age difference, but might accept a proposition, anyway. But really, the NEGPs want him around to stoke additional mayhem with Kat and Dale.
The New and Final Arrivals
Lea (from Joey’s season) and Nancy. They have thievery on their minds (cue Freemasons I’ve Got Love on My Mind – “I got love on my mind, ain’t no use in me wasting time”). Stay tuned to see which guys stray from their “relationships.”
Final Q: How worried am I about the previews that “change everything” by making Paradise look like Bachelor Pad?
Final A: Yes.
See you next week.
Ray's Musings 
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