Act I: Get Me the F Outta Here
The episode kicked off with another Relationship Test unrelated to anything in the real world, unless locking your partner into a treasure chest is a thing for you. As claustrophobic as I am, this was triggering1. As always, the game featured Jesse giving indecipherable rules that made sense once the game started. Non-working walkie-talkies (cue Led Zeppelin Communication Breakdown), ignorance about geometry (what’s a 270° angle?), water transmission (what’s a spigot?), and boating (what’s starboard?) were repeating themes (cue The Temptations Ball of Confusion).
Although I knew that Long-time Friend and Loyal Follower of these Musings, KMD, would love the game, I wasn’t feeling good that solid couples would be at risk of going home because of it. The point of Paradise is to find love, not win contrived contests. That said, the New Evil Genius Producers (NEGPs) did a fantastic job creating suspense, and my competitive nature got me actively cheering for the couples.
Spencer and Jess completed the test in the fastest time and got their first date, in which Falling L-words were mutually exchanged.
And Hannah cracked me up walking the couples to their starting places with her umbrella (cue Rihanna Umbrella).
Act II: Of Politics and Paradise
The stakes of the Relationship Test were that two couples were going to be voted out of Paradise. Not So Charming Sean went into full ploying and plotting politico mode, trying to build strategic alliances and voting blocs. Much like the Jeusie2 situation that went viral among the Paradisers last week, word about Sean’s strategery spread rapidly like quick-acting venom, mostly because he couldn’t stop coalition-building, despite repeated warnings (cue Queen Don’t Stop Me Now). This set up a tension about how he would fare in the vote-off. Both Brian and Jeremy had survived being bad actors. What would be Not So Charming Sean’s fate?
Act III: The Rose Ceremony
I was sure the couples that would be voted off would be the non-couples, Jonathan/Lea and Keith/Kathy. Neither was adding to the drama, and I assumed the NEGPs would arrange to see them removed. Surprise! Before the fateful announcement of the final results, Allyshia and Sean self-eliminated, and Allyshia threw some serious shade at everybody on their way out. The Paradisers had read Sean’s scheming for filth, and Jesse announced that they would have been voted off, anyway. Also voted off were Brian and Parissa, as Brian couldn’t survive his backstabbing of Jeremy last week (cue The O’Jays Backstabbers).
Now I’m very curious about the future roles of Keith/Kathy, and especially Jonathan and Lea – is calling them “Jolena,” trying too hard 😆? – since they can just play for the moneybag.
Epilogue: The NEGPs
The NEGPs are doing an amazing job this season. Clever editing, fast-paced production, hot music, humorous chyrons, suspenseful storylines, and moments of OMG surprise – they are standing on business.
I’m coming to peace with the (up to) $500k hot cash prize that’s looming. What’s the bane of being a bad Bachelor franchise contestant? It’s being “here for the wrong reasons” – Instagram followers, podcasts, influencer deals, and appearance fees. In other words, you’re here for the money. So I kind of like the NEGPs just putting it everyone’s face. Are your intentions pure? Are you really only here for love? Will you become a Villain for the bag?
I am wrestling with the Survivor and Bachelor Pad elements added to Paradise, though. But the NEGPs have been right about so many things that I’m intrigued enough to let this play out before rendering a verdict. We live in an attention culture, and you can’t keep viewers’ attention without trying new things. So big ups to the NEGPs and the Suits at ABC (sABCs) for shaking up the formula. On balance, what they’re doing is working, so far.
See you next week.
P.S. This week’s viewing wine is Bodegas Los Pinos Monastrell/Cab blend on sale at Costco. It wasn’t very good for the first couple of days. Monday night, it had finally softened enough to be just aight. Can’t see myself buying it again.
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