Recently, I began a music listening session that ran far too long with Haddaway’s classic, What Is Love. Judging by this week’s episode, whether you have whatever love is, is decided by an Oprah-approved relationship therapist observing you and your partner interact while setting up a love nest in a bug-infested jungle.
The penultimate episode begins on Day 17 in Paradise with a rare extended appearance by Hannah Brown. She gathers the ladies for some girl talk about who’s ready for or contemplating an engagement (Ed. note: after 16 days). Responses varied along a spectrum from Kat’s hard no – she’s had a broken Paradise engagement – to Jess being very reasonable about wanting time to make sure [cue The Rascals How Can I Be Sure].
Jesse then gathers the group to announce a dress-up dinner as a reward for “all they have accomplished,” as if they were celebrating a team project. But at dinner, there were bugs – lots of bugs. And the bugs were driving Kat buggy. I’m so Team Kat, here. My idea of eating outside is in an enclosed porch, so I was so feeling her freakout. Can’t enjoy the food or the company if there are bugs.
The ubiquitous Jesse shows up again to send the Paradisers to overnight dates, and by dates, he means the couples setting up love nests in a dark, horse manure-laden, bug-infested jungle with missing and inadequate supplies and provisions. Responses again varied along a spectrum from Kat’s near anxiety attack, to Bailey’s concern for her manicure, to Kathy and Keith’s “we got this” pragmatism. Again, I was totally feeling Kat, and also aligned with Bailey, especially since the New Evil Genius Producers (NEGPs) took care to pipe in strange noises and a horror movie backing track to heighten the viewer experience. I was sufficiently triggered.
The camping horror show ended when all the Paradisers heard ominous animal sounds and Jesse’s “emergency” announcement that he (quite conveniently) got word from a Costa Rican zoologist (always good to have a zoologist that has your number) that they needed to evacuate the area. None of this could have been real.
When the campers return to safety, Jesse reveals that they had been part of another Relationship Test, where the couples were observed by Dr. Laura Berman. Per Wikipedia:
Laura Berman is an American relationship therapist and television host. She is the host of In the Bedroom with Dr. Laura Berman on the Oprah Winfrey Network (OWN). She is also a regular guest on The Dr. Oz Show and hosts her own nationally syndicated radio program, Uncovered with Dr. Laura Berman. She previously starred in Showtime‘s reality television series Sexual Healing.
Dr. Berman then proceeded to share her feedback on the couples in front of all the other couples – cringe, but this is a TV show – and declare a winner based on some unspecified “criteria.” Let’s also consider that she is seeing these couples for the first time and has zero context for what she is observing. Alexe and Andrew’s getting dinged for their awkward, playful goofiness with each other is a case in point. The love doctor misperceived those routine interactions for them as them not having all I wanna do is zoom-a-zoom-zoom-zoom in a pum pum “chemistry.”
Spencer and Jess got all positive comments, but Dale and Kat were declared the winners, despite an observation about the potential dark side of Dale’s Hero Complex. So, I’m pretty sure that the criteria were, “Just make Dale and Kat the winners.”
Shift to the couples’ processing of the Relationship Test and Dr. Berman’s feedback. Spencer is eager to put his relationship with Jess – they have been the least drama-free couple by far in Paradise – on his timeline, which includes having kids within two years, and one of them moving in with the other. Jess isn’t feeling that and goes into an emotional tailspin over their lack of alignment about their future in the real world. This is where The Bachelor franchise gets twisted. After being mega-dosed with emotional experiences, people who actually think rationally about life in the real world feel like they are doing something wrong or have misjudged the relationship.
Shift to Alexe and Andrew, who are playing L-word tag to see who is it and has to say the L-word first. Alexe really wants to go there, but is hesitant. Andrew drops the Falling-word, which makes it safe for her to reciprocate [cue The Spinners Could It Be I’m Falling In Love]. That inspires Andrew to go full L-word, and Alexe excitedly does the same [cue Van Halen Why Can’t This Be Love].
Shift to the serious matter of pondering the upcoming Rose Ceremony. The Paradisers will vote for one couple to be cut, and this will require advance strategery.
It’s evident that the non-couples Jonathan/Lea aka “Jolena” and Keith/Kathy are in a gots-to-go situation, and all of the discussion is about which one. But Keith creates some drama. While the couples are strategering about maximizing their chances of getting the (up to) $500K bag, Keith is badly missing his daughters and is talking self-elimination. This thought is horrifying to Kathy because she is not staying around for love. All she wants is that bag [cue Madonna Material Girl]. After much cajoling, mostly about how beloved he is to the non-Goldens, Keith decides not to self-eliminate.
Naturally, the Rose Ceremony winds its way down to Jolena and Keith/Kathy. But there’s new drama. They are tied in the vote-off! This week, the guys have the Rose Ceremony Power, and as the male Relationship Test winner, Dale gets the deciding vote, and with zero hesitation, gives The Rose to Keith/Kathy. Bye-bye Jolena. Lea will be missed. Jonathan, not so much.
And just as we thought we were winding down to the finish – wait! There’s more! Another Test! Paradise ends next week, and the NEGPs needed to shoehorn in “The Sharp Knives” Test to eliminate two couples. This Test is introduced with an indecipherable riddle, followed by Jesse’s usual incomprehensible instructions.
On the beach are totems representing each person, surrounded by daggers. Jesse reads a series of questions referring to a detrimental relationship behavior, e.g., “whose trust issues are likely to sabotage their relationship,” and “who’s keeping the most secrets from their partner.” Then one by one, so others can’t see them, each Paradiser chooses the person who they think best fits that and “stabs” their totem in the back with a dagger [cue Bon Jovi You Give Love a Bad Name]. The couple with the least combined stabs “wins.”
Yeah, it’s creepy, convoluted, and shameful, especially since you have to vote for somebody even if you don’t think that behavior fits anyone. It’s a diabolical game where everybody loses.
There is an ironic moment where a staffer says, “These people are sick.”
Who is he referring to? The Paradisers? Or the NEGPs?
The game ends suddenly due to an impending storm, causing the group to shelter in place. And in their sheltered places with the knowledge that two couples will soon be voted off, shades of Sean’s politicking last week, the couples forge alliances:
- Jeremy/Bailey with Andrew/Alexe.
- Dale/Kat with Spencer/Jess.
At The Cocktail Party, Jesse announces that the couple with the fewest stabs was Alexe and Andrew, and they will be safe at the ninth and final Rose Ceremony. This could turn the axis of Dale/Kat with Spencer/Jess against Jeremy/Bailey. But the cliff we were left hanging on was the previews for the final episode next week (Tuesday!). Not So Prince Charming Sean will return to wreak havoc with all of the previously eliminated couples as The Parliament of Paradise. And it appears that Sean and Allyshia want revenge [cue James Brown The Big Payback].
There will also be one final Test, The One That Will Change Everything, that seems to involve a choice between love and the [up to] $500K.
Bring. It. On. And without bugs. Please.
P.S. This week’s viewing was an excellent Quality-to-Price-Ratio ($14.99) Rhone blend Romain Duvernay Vacqueyras from Costco.
Ray's Musings 
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