There’s No Place Like Home

[Cue Home Sweet Home. I’ll take Carrie Underwood’s cover of the original version by Motley Crue but the Crue will do, too.]

It was Hometown Visits Week. Before I break each one down, there were a couple of broad themes worth pointing out. First, we have the fake-outs where the preview clips for every visit should have been backed by Guns N’ Roses Welcome to the Jungle – dagger-eyed stares, unveiled threats of physical harm, questions from gauntlets of extended family members seeking to break Arie’s soul. And yet, by the end of each visit all the families could have been singing He Ain’t Heavy He’s My Brother.

The second theme was that Arie is falling for everybody!!!! And telling them!!! And telling their families!!! Uh, somebody is really gonna be more than just a little let down.

As to the visits . . .

Kendall (Los Angeles) Other than the perfect skin of her twin sister Kylie, all I took away from this visit was dead animals. I seriously had to look away while they were playing with rodents. Maybe it’s just me but I just think that taxidermy as a hobby will limit the field of eligible suitors. How many guys will want to hold hands with someone who’s just stuffed an opossum she found in the woods? Am I wrong about this? [theme music for Kendall’s visit: Maroon 5’s Animals]

Tia (Wiener, AK, pop. 761) I loved how Dad mispronounced Arie’s name as “airy”. Assign whatever shade you like to that Freudian slip[1]. After a toast involving miniature wieners – I neglected to see what the wine pairing was – Tia’s family seemed most concerned with Arie’s reputation as a “playboy” and “The Kissing Bandit”. If only they had been as concerned with how she sold out My Girl Bekah.

Somehow, Arie’s charm producer’s edit turned around Tia’s brother – who looks like he could star in a slasher movie – and her dad. Still, I just couldn’t shake the feeling that a bad breakup was coming. [theme music for Tia’s visit: Adele’s Rumor Has It or Joan Jett’s Bad Reputation]

Becca (Minneapolis) Early on, Arie bit into an apple and I actually thought he was kissing Becca. I’ll just leave that there. Make of it what you will.

Given the rich history of Minneapolis music, I was subversively hoping against hope that Arie and Becca would walk into the house and see the family jammin’ to Prince, The Time or Dylan’s Rainy Day Women ♯12 & 35 (the one that has “everybody must get stoned”). Instead, the family was as interesting as Becca, which is to say not very interesting. We did learn from them that pragmatism is a Minnesota thing which likely explained all the apprehensive questions. In contrast to Kendall and Tia, Arie’s connection to Becca was unmistakable. [theme music for Becca’s visit: Elvis Suspicious Minds]

Lauren aka The Girl Who Will Get the Neil Lane Diamond Kneel Down Moment (Virginia Beach, VA) MANY things stood out about this visit: the longer air time that this visit got compared to the rest; Arie’s nervousness throughout; how quickly Lauren’s ex-military Dad’s opinion of Arie positively changed when he learned that Arie was part of a group of race drivers that went to Iraq to visit troops; and how much Lauren looks like her mother and aunt (I’m probably the only one that noticed that don’t ask me why). Maybe it’s another producer fake-out designed to lead us astray but the narrative fits with how much he’s obviously into Lauren. [theme music for Lauren’s visit: Keith Sweat Make It Last Forever]

Rose Ceremony (Los Angeles) With one girl to send home, Arie is clearly undecided and unsettled but not because he’s not sure of his feelings. His problem is that he’s not sure of Kendall’s feelings, as in is she just ready to seriously date or ready to be engaged. To get clarity, he pulls Kendall aside to have a serious heart to heart [cue up Jermaine Jackson Let’s Get Serious]. In the meantime, Tia returns to her backstabbing ways by telling Becca and Lauren that, “Kendall makes the least sense when it comes to Arie.”

Because he’s so enough into Kendall, Arie accepts her less than committed response enough to fulfill my prediction that Tia was the one heading to a bad breakup. [Rose Ceremony theme music: Neil Sedaka Breaking Up Is Hard to Do]

Next week it all ends. I feel like Kendall goes next and then it comes down to Becca and Lauren gowned up and getting out of the limo – one to a ring and one to a rebuff. And I’ve been clear in my belief that Lauren gets The Final Rose.

Alas, I will be delayed in reporting it all. Travel and work will likely push my viewing until later in the week. And since I won’t be able to avoid my Twitter feed (mostly full of politics and sports but includes a few Bachelor tweeters), I probably won’t have the element of surprise when I watch. That’s my problem. Your problem is that you’ll have to patiently wait for my final musings. [Cue up Sam & Dave Hold On I’m Coming]

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[1] an unintentional error regarded as revealing subconscious feelings

 

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