Let the Summer Madness Begin!

“I enjoyed kissing Tre more than his uncle”, is something you can only expect to hear on Bachelor in Paradise.

For some reason, we didn’t get the tongue-in-cheek-and-so-cheesy-it-works theme song, so I’m gonna have to play DJ and cue up Motley Crüe Girls, Girls, Girls, and Lady Gaga Boys Boys Boys. As always, the first hour of the season is a breakneck procession of people too beautiful to be human. And it’s sort of like the sprinters before the 100-yard dash at the Olympics where the competitors strut, preen, and otherwise try to one-up each other in peacockiness. Naked Kenny surely won the Peacocky Contest, but where the heck was his mic pack? You could get occasional glimpses of the wires, so methinks the Evil Genius Producers were faking his nudity?

One person that all of Bachelor Nation roots for is Abigail the Adorable, who got the first date with Noah. One of the best things about Paradise is that we forget the villainy of the villains and villainesses (well, except for the once-Queen-now-Goddess Victoria who remains odious but apparently less odiferous – “I didn’t expect her to smell so good” is not really the kind of comment that helps you stand out against a dozen other beach hotties).

But seriously, didn’t we used to hate Noah? And now he’s being rehabilitated as funny, kind, and sensitive Noah.

That said, here’s me when Abigail the Adorable says she’ll talk to a guy for eight months before deciding to call him her boyfriend on a show that’s shooting for an engagement in four weeks.

Bartender Wells gave David Spade the rundown if you were struggling to figure out how many couples were locking lips after a few hours on the beach. I counted six, including Grocery Store Joe (GSJ), who was talking himself into going home before he latched on to Serena, who, hol’up waidaminit, is only 23????? How is she only 23?

In any case, I expect at least four of those six couples to be kissing other people next week because Paradise. And GSJ is gonna be some kind of mess when his ex Kendall shows up.

My Queen Demi makes her appearance just before the end of the night.

And Lil Jon. That’s it. Lil Jon.

Re David Spade. I’m not sure what to think other than the fact that I’m not sure what to think is, in itself, so Paradise. Therefore, I’m inclined to think that it’s working. Vaya con Dios, Chris Harrison.

It’s Paradise, people. The insanity is just beginning.

See you next week on the beach.

Tonight’s viewing wine: Neprica Cabernet Sauvignon.