Don’t Go Breaking My Heart at Home

What if I told you that four fathers from around the country – southern Virginia, Denver, Oklahoma City, and a mob boss from central Florida – would be introduced to the guy their daughters wanted to marry, and they all liked him?

What if I told you that Clayton couldn’t directly answer direct questions about whether he was in love with their daughter or what’s up with the other three girls, and the families were fine with him, anyway?

What if I told you that the real stars of the hometowns were a grandpa, a dad, and a hot brother[1]?

What if I told you that Google doesn’t show any results for two of the hometown attractions that Clayton was “taken” to: Denver’s Proposal Rock or the well-known Claremont Kissing Tree? Why would we be suspicious of freshly painted signs despite Denver’s extreme weather changes and Florida’s jungle humidity?

Let me stop asking questions and break this somewhat uneventful episode down for you.

Susie B., Poquoson, VA.

Just down the road a piece.

Susie teaches Clayton jujitsu and wonders if he likes being choked. If the post-Fantasy Suite previews are any indication, she may feel compelled to apply a chokehold maneuver. At home, Dad likes Claytin and trusts his daughter’s judgment even though Claytin stumbled over the question of the L-word with Susie’s mom.

Proceed with caution is the key takeaway here which is pointless since we know that none of the girls that get to this stage in the journey ever proceeds with caution.

Gabby, Denver. Gabby and Clay-un go hiking, and she wants to know where her ring is when they get to the fake tourist destination Proposal Rock. At home, Gabby’s sweet and chill Grandfather steals the show, becomes an internet sensation, and gets a ton of write-in ballots for the Senior Citizen Bachelor, if they ever decide to do that. Maybe they can match G-Pa with the woman who showed up on Night One.

Gabby wasn’t expecting to see her dad because his longtime partner is battling cancer. Naturally, he doesn’t want to risk infecting her with COVID by getting into close contact with a dude who’s been gallivanting around the world to get in the unmasked breathing space of various women not named Gabby.

BUT HE COMES ANYWAY!!! The Evil Genius Producers (EGPs) set the interwebs on fire by having Dad do the Love, Actually card thing but was the first card actually necessary?

Serene, Oklahoma City. They did a scary obstacle course thing which Clay-tuhn said is a metaphor for a relationship. The problem is that it was a metaphor for this relationship, but not in the way he thinks. It’s been clear that this “couple” didn’t have the same connection as the others, and that lack of connection was the real obstacle. That had the potential to make this home visit an exercise in futility until Serene’s hot brother with a Barack Obama voice, Roland, takes center stage, sets the interwebs on fire, and gets a ton of write-in ballots to be the next Bachelor.

Roland asks Clay-tuhn about the L-word, and he stumbles once again. Roland is a skeptic with a heart. He is protective rather than preventative about his sister’s relationship.

Rachel, Claremont, FL. Before The Bachelor started, I was watching a Hallmark movie and trying to figure out who the female lead reminded me of. Let’s not go down the sad series of events that have me questioning my life that led to that statement. Eventually, I got my answer watching this episode. It’s Rachel. This is what she’s gonna look like at 50, and I don’t find any reason why Claton wouldn’t be here for that.

They go kayaking in the jungle [cue The Cadets Stranded in the Jungle][2] and arrive at the fake tourist destination Kissing Tree. They also decided to take a dip after supposedly seeing crocodiles and a spider big enough to be intimidating to a crocodile, so was I the only one who was wondering WHY THE %$#^& ARE YOU IN THE WATER?????

The physical chemistry between these two is wow. [cue James Brown Cold Sweat – “when you kiss me . . . I break out” (duhn-duhn-duhn-duhn) . . . “in a COOOOOLD sweat” (duhn-duhn-duhn-duhn!!)] When they come up for air, she warns him about her Dad. Finally!!! We are about to get some family drama, especially when we are introduced to Dad, who could be confused for a mob boss.

Alas, he turns out to be a protective Teddy Bear. Nice fake-out, EGPs.

Rose Ceremony. Down goes Serene. [cue Duncan Laurence Arcade – “loving you is a losing game”]

Please come to Paradise, Serene.

The Previews.

See you next week.

This weeks’ viewing wines: finished up a couple of open bottles – Dirt Diva Red Blend Paso Robles (fruit-forward and jammy in an OK way) and Saladini Pilastri Rosso Piceno Superiore Monteprandone (nice balance of tart fruit and body; gotta love that long Italian name LOL).

[1] An actual brother as in a blood relative. Not a hot brother like me. C’mon. That’s funny.

[2] An absolutely hysterical song from 1962.

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