COVID on the Cruise Ship

Boys and Girls, as I might say in Bachelorese, this process isn’t working for me. It feels like the season just started but we’re already coming to Hometowns with SEVEN guys. If you say “Spencer” or “Ethan” or “Tyler”, I wouldn’t know who you were talking about. And if you said that you were sorry that Daquon didn’t get a rose, it wouldn’t occur to me that there hasn’t been a Daquon. Moreover, I have zero sense about any of the connections – or by now we’re talking “relationships” rather than connections – that either Gabby or Rachel has with any of the guys.

Except for the relationship Gabby had with Nate that Gabby ended to start the show to the surprise of no one. This was very sad and also very complicated because of news circulating around Nate. The great thing about the interwebs is that you can find out anything you want when you want. The terrible thing about the interwebs is that you can find out something you didn’t want at a time you didn’t want.

I had been seeing buzz around Nate about “cheating” and “deception”. And during the Nate/Gabby ordeal, Bachelor Twitter was full of Tweets dragging Nate although there were plenty of viewers who had no idea about the controversy. This all complicated my ability to engage how badly I felt about the breakup. I wanted to feel bad for both of them but if he’s a sleaze, better she not get in deeper. But what if it’s specious, one-sided internet gossip? He gets broken up with anyway but without his reputation tarnished.

For the record, I have yet to read anything. I really try to avoid the “off the field” drama around The Bachelor franchise as much as the interwebs will allow me. If you’re interested, Google awaits your query.

Over to Rachel who gives a second 1-on-1 to Zach. I may not have known who Zach was but My Daughter Cassandra (MDC) knows.

She must be right. I zoned out on this date a lot. I did learn that while Rachel can fly an airplane, she cannot ride a bike. Also, why was there a hot tub in the middle of a tulip field? Was there really nowhere else to spend time in Amsterdam? And they both said this was a bucket list thing?? Seriously? Both of you have actually thought and maybe told other people that one of the things you have to do in this life is go to Amsterdam to sit in a hot tub in a tulip field?

“We got them to say that stupid bucket list stuff!”

Were you as bothered by Rachel’s bikini as was most of Bachelor Nation?

Checking that bucket list item off must have gotten Zach in his feelings because at dinner he dropped the first L-word of the year. As always, they didn’t eat anything at dinner but I approve of the music.

Over to Gabby who has a good cry with her non-Nate contingent of guys over her sorrow of sending Nate home. Holy cognitive dissonance, Batman![1] Their primary competition is gone. But they see how much more Gabby is attracted to Nate than any of them. And yet, they want to show empathy for her sadness over losing him. The guys were good, though, and made Gabby feel much better. Their prize was a sex-themed group date, sex-related dates being a go-to move by the Evil Genius Producers (EGPs) who I believe delight in their power to create incredibly awkward family viewing situations.

“It’s Amsterdam! We can do a BDSM Group Date!

However, one person was missing from the Cocktail Party and that was Logan who tested positive for COVID. I got lots of questions. So, was everybody tested? Where are the masks? And why is Jessie not wearing a mask?

And then maskless Jessie comes to the party and tells the guys this:

A situation??? HE HAS COVID!!!

Somebody get these people on the phone stat!

Next up is Rachel’s Group Date in Edam, being proclaimed as The Cheese Capital of the World which has the Wisconsin state government ready to declare war on Belgium. Tyler, uh, I mean Tino, wins a cheese lift-and-hold competition and thinks he’s in the prime position to get the Group Date Rose (which he would have thought even if he had lost).

Rachel has a meaningful chat with Zach (2nd place in the lift-off) and it’s he who gets the coveted Group Date Rose (GDR) much to the consternation of Tino.

Tino goes off whining to unseen people. This allows Ethan to get off one of the best lines in Bachelor history.

Finally, it’s on to the Rose Ceremony. Gabby has four guys left and could take all four home but has decided she only wants to give three Hometown invitations. Goodbye Spencer (whichever one you were). And Rachel says goodbye to Ethan.

Guess who had the least amount of screen time this season?

Random Final Thought: the casting commercials about bad boyfriends LOL.

Hometowns next week. I’m looking forward to Rachel’s mob boss dad.

P.S. This week’s viewing wine was a forgettable Rioja from Costco.

[1] That’s quite the how to say you’re old without saying you’re old sentence, isn’t it? Although it’s at least unlikely that Robin ever used the words “cognitive dissonance” in a sentence.

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