I am not one given to profanity, especially in a public forum, but wow, Tuesday’s agonizingly long episode was a total shit show. Yep, worse than a cluster**** (I already used up my profanity allotment) and way worse than a dumpster fire. The stench is so deep, I fear I may never be rid of it, as every mention of any part of this wretched season will inevitably bring my mind back to the gawdawfulness of its Finale (the final Finale as opposed to last week’s not-quite-final-Finale).
The ironic cap off of the evening was Jessie’s rushed apology(?)/admission(?)/apomission(?), “We know this been a tough season for all of us . . . but we did learn a lot of valuable lessons . . . so Bachelor Nation, we hear you and we love you.” As if he didn’t need to also apologize for this specific shitshow and offer to triple the reparations I am still demanding for last week’s travesty.
What I need is financial remuneration to redeem the five hours of my life spent with the not-quite-final-Finale and the final Finale. If a judge reduces said compensation by a minor amount to account for the fun of exchanging texts with My Daughter Diandra (MDD) and Friend and Loyal Follower of These Musings CSP, I will accept that judgment. But here’s what we didn’t need.
We didn’t need to see Rachel and Tino haranguing each other [cue The Carpenters Hurting Each Other] about the meltdown of their relationship in front of a live audience, especially with having virtually no context to understand what their points were. Instead, we got vague mentions of “relationship difficulties” (the impact of which was made apparent to literally millions of people), Rachel in therapy (not the two of them in couples therapy), and zero understanding of how Tino has an emotional affair just weeks after getting engaged to a woman he fought so hard for (in a lot of emotionally immature and destructive ways).
This live confrontation proceeded from something else we didn’t need to see, as we were dragged through a taped and edited version of an earlier emotional conversation between two hurting people again without any context for their various accusations. As MDD said, “We got a lot of theater. Not much plot.”
We didn’t need Aven to be lurking in the back of the studio to come out at the clearly scripted “end” of the Rachel/Tino contretemps and go all “reunited and it feels so good” [cue Peaches and Herb] with Rachel RIGHT IN FRONT OF TINO!!!! Are you $%^$@#-ing kidding me? All while making Tino’s humiliation complete with a bloodthirsty crowd screaming their approval like a manic Jerry Springer audience.
We didn’t need Erich’s private texts with some unknown girl he was dating not even long enough to be considered an ex displayed and read for us. If Gabby was fine with what went down, that’s not only fine with me but we also didn’t need to have Gabby sit there and listen to him ‘splain hisself for something that only needed to be explained to her.
But, of course, a portion of those texts was him dragging the show as not being “real.” So, of course, the suits at ABC and the Evil Genius Producers (EGPs) had to have him recant his heresy. After all, he ended up engaged! Trust the Process! And to further defend the shield, they had to have Sean and Catherine Lowe in the audience, one of the (checks notes: rare) successful couples in the Franchise’s bleak history. Never mind that also in said audience were Michelle, Becca, and Kaitlyn whose engagements didn’t work out (checks notes: like almost all the others).
Apparently, the suits at ABC (SaABCs – yes, this season made me use that phrase enough to put them into the blog lexicon) and the EGPs didn’t need to bring up Erich’s high school yearbook blackface incident. “Yo, people got FIRED last time we brought this stuff up. Ima sit out this one.”
Also apparently, what Neil Lane didn’t need was to make his usual cameo. Let ‘em read my name but I’m not putting any screen time into this hot mess of a season LOL. Good move, Neil.
Finally, we didn’t need whatever those last 45-ish minutes of the evening were. I guess we had moved off the final Finale and into uh, the premier Premiere? His Boringness Zach was introduced as the new Bachelor and I really want to know the test marketing and focus group results for this selection.
While Jessie Palmer is a fine presence in the taped episodes (the magic of editing!), he doesn’t have the range for the live shows. Basically, he states the obvious too often and asks multiple versions of the same questions. And then with Zach, we got the same answers no matter what version of the question he was asked.
Did we need a gimmicky American Idol-style live vote for the First Impression Rose (FIR)? How awkward was that Meet and Greet Some of the Bachelorettes segment? And will that change the impact of the FIR because it wasn’t given by the lead? We know that historically the FIRs usually go far in the competition.
Enough. After processing this episode, I’m instructing my attorney to increase my reparations demand.
See you – and Johhny – in Paradise!
P.S. This blog and the viewing wine come to you from the Hampton Inn in Alexandria, Minnesota. Lotsa lakes, ya. Wine was a nice Infinito Malbec on sale for $10 around the corner, you betcha. 92 points from Wine Enthusiast: “Grapy berry aromas come with a note of asphalt, while this is racy and braced by firm acidity.”