She Ain’t Heavy, She’s My Wife

The Bachelor goes to Estonia. Yeah, I had to look it up, too.

With Zach’s COVID left behind in London, we find he and the girls looking forward to continuing the journey to find love. Except one girl is missing and that would be Greer who got COVID. That got me wondering whether she was coming back or not, in other words, would she get Logan-ed?[1]

It doesn’t take long for that knock on the door which means Date Card. But before that, we got to hear that Kat is “feeling impatient” and “wants to make sure that she remains a priority”. And having missed out on her 1-on-1 in London, Charity fears getting skipped over.

The Date Card only has Charity’s name on it, so she gets a 1-on-1 that atones for the one she lost in London (cue Dead or Alive Lover Come Back (To Me)).

When Zach arrives to pick her up, Kat impatiently – and quite shockingly to all the girls – pulls Zach out to a hall for a quick convo and to use her lips to plant some lip gloss on Zach’s lips.

Once Charity and Zach head out for their date, the girls immediately read Kat for filth with Brooklyn, in particular, really going in hard.

While riding around in a horse-drawn carriage, Zach and Charity “randomly” stop at a raucous gathering of people that “just happens” to include Jesse Palmer. Said gathering of people was for a Wife-carrying competition which is a thing.

And there are actually North American Champions!

At the non-dinner dinner with Charity, Zach gets to know her for her and also throws shade at Rachael, again. Zach seems to have a requirement that each girl he has a 1-on-1 with must hear how Rachael did him dirty.

Meanwhile, back at the hotel, Jess NEEEEEEEEEEDS a 1-on-1 but the next date card has everybody’s name on it but Ariel’s much to Jess’s deep consternation.

Charity returns to give the girls the rundown on her day, “It was a really good day, um, you know I tried to block out some things before.” Ouch. And the drama with Kat vs. the Girls feat. Brooklyn heads to Round 2. Brooklyn scores heavily with “You have your head up your ass” and “If the shoe fits, lace that bitch up.”

On the Group Date, the girls spend time with a healing witch (cue The Eagles Witchy Woman) who burns some sage to eliminate negative energy and helps the girls find their love for Zach by looking at him through the flame of a candle. Sadly, when Jess begins her turn, the flame goes out. This, boys and girls, is what is known in literature as foreshadowing.

Apparently, the witch needs to up her sage game because the girls brought plenty of viha[2] with them to the cocktail party, especially Jess, who tells us 12,587,954 times THAT I HAVEN’T HAD A 1-ON-1. MY ENTIRE FATE AS A HUMAN BEING RESTS ON GETTING A 1-ON-1.

The result is that she and Zach have a terrible conversation where they talk past each other. He’s upset because he doesn’t see 1-on-1s as that big of a deal. She’s upset because, to her, they are a BIG DEAL AND CAN’T UNDERSTAND WHY SHE NEVER GOT ONE. The more upset she gets, the more exasperated he gets and the whole thing devolves to the point where Zach decides to send her home on the spot.

It’s yet another case in The Bachelor franchise where a very introverted person struggles to build a strong connection to the lead in the short period of time these shows require. And it’s another case where the lead assumes the relationship is OK because they haven’t heard otherwise but the introverted contestant is struggling to find alone time to tell the lead that they are struggling. I think why Zach felt so blindsided was because he felt that the connection with Jess was a good one and assumed that he had done enough to make her feel like that was the case.

That being said, here’s some data!!! My Girl over at @Bachelordata IG analyzed 1-on-1’s for the past 13 seasons and found that 78% of contestants who didn’t get a 1-on-1 before Week 7 (next week) failed to make it to Hometowns and none made it to the Final Two. Putting her emotional state to the side, history shows that Jess had reasons to be concerned about not having had a 1-on-1.

And, yes, KMD[3], there was a canceled cocktail party!!

Zach recovers enough to have a hot (sauna) date with hot (stunning) Ariel where nudity is involved. Fortunately for Ariel, it didn’t involve her and Zach but be careful what you wish for in Estonia. I mean, the Estonians race around carrying their wives, so getting nekked with strangers is just another thing that Estonians do, as this old nude couple kept showing up.

Once again at the non-dinner dinner, Zach meets his two requirements: getting to know her (Ariel) for her (Ariel) and throwing shade at Rachael. Son, you need to go back to that witch healer to see if she has any high-quality sage to burn off that viha you still seem to have. That being said, every season of the franchise has a dark horse emerging from the pack to challenge the leaders and Ariel seems to be that this season.

Finally – whew! This episode had a LOT to unpack – Aly was eliminated at the Rose Ceremony.

This sets us up nicely for next week where Hometown Visits will be decided and we’ll get another week of beef between Kat and Brooklyn. And the return of Greer?

See you next week.

This week’s viewing wine was from Spain – San Gregorio Single Vineyard Las Martas Garnacha.

[1] Recall that two-timing Logan got COVID on The Bachelorette and was not seen again until Paradise.

[2] “Viha” means ‘anger’ in Estonian but ‘hate’ in Finnish. Yes, I looked it up because I first wrote “juju “but thought better of it since they probably don’t speak much West African in Estonia.

[3] Long-time Friend and Loyal Follower of These Musings.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

Blog at

Up ↑

%d bloggers like this: