Fantasy Land

Welcome to my recap of this week’s episode of The Golden Bachelorettes Are Coming! The Golden Bachelorettes Are Coming! The Suits at ABC (sABCs) are doing their darndest to make sure we tune in to the newest installment of The Bachelor franchise whenever that turns out to happen.

Meanwhile, in other news, Maria experienced a HUGE gain in her social media followers after being eliminated last week. She passed Daisy on TikTok, which is significant given that Daisy came to The Bachelor with a substantial following and Maria had a bottom-of-the-graph level following. Maria also closed the gap between her and Daisy on Instagram. It will be interesting to see how that changes with the BIG episodes ahead of us: The Women Yell All and the elimination of two contenders (cue Europe Final Countdown[1]) leading, presumably, to a proposal.

I only mention Maria upfront to troll my Long Time Friend and Loyal Follower of These Musings, KMD. 😆

Our Fantasy Suite Date episode was bookended by the foreshadowing of Joey finding an ominous “we need to talk” note and the eventual revelation of who wrote said note (Kelsey). Then we get some film of Joey revealing his insecurities over putting it all out there and getting crushed (like he did with Charity) while also knowing that happily-ever-after only comes with putting it all out there. I know I’m jumping ahead, but the previews of coming unattractions look brutal. The Evil Genius Producers (EGPs) are doing their darndest to keep us in as much doubt as Joey, and they’re actually doing it pretty well.

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Then we get Daisy saying how she needs to move up on the L-word spectrum. And then it’s Kelsey saying how she needs to move up on the L-word spectrum. Finally, Rachel tells us how she needs to move up on the L-word spectrum (cue Barbra Streisand and Celine Dion Tell Him).

The first Fantasy Suite Date was with Rachel, and sadly, my girl @Bachelordata IG has sad data. The first Fantasy Suite Date has NEVER won The Bachelor (cue an instrumental version of The Carpenters Goodbye to Love until she (likely) gets eliminated next week. Then we’ll play it with Karen’s melancholic vocal).

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Rachel is also the first to get coached up by a Golden Bachelorette. As for the date, there was much jumping into deep water from very high heights. That’s a hard pass-type situation for me, as heights not in an airplane or water that isn’t a hot shower are evil. Apparently, Rachel landed some kind of bad way from a very high height and hurt her jaw, necessitating the date be moved to a hospital-type situation[2].

While a very emotionally intelligent Joey showed great patience, warmth, empathy, and understanding with Rachel, and while they did spend the night in The Fantasy Suite, and while the EGPs did their best to clip together conversations suggesting that they did suggestive things in The Fantasy Suite, I never got the sense that Joey is feeling it for Rachel. And I’m suggesting that they didn’t do suggestive things.

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Kelsey is up next and she, too, gets coached up by a Golden Bachelorette. This date is easy to summarize. The way Joey looks at her and smiles at her – literally EVERYTHING about the way he is with her screams Kelsey is The One.

After dancing around it for a long time, she finally drops The Big L-word. And their morning-after body language suggested that they did suggestive things in The Fantasy Suite (cue Journey Good Morning Girl).

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Daisy has the final Fantasy Suite Date. She gets coached up by a spicy Golden Bachelorette who tells her to bring some “sexual oomph” LOL (cue Marvin Gaye Let’s Get It On). She goes RV-ing with Joey. This, too, is a Ray hard pass-type situation – high speed, dirt, and not being enclosed by any metal. No bueno.

They cleaned up for their evening in a very steamy shower scene that definitely brought the sexual oomph with Daisy suggesting they might do suggestive things when they get to The Fantasy Suite[3].

Alas, I think she spoke a couple of times of her future demise during their fake dinner: “Someone not choosing you. That always hurts. That never feels good. Honestly, nothing hurts worse, I think if you love somebody and they don’t choose you back. That’s a different kind of pain.”

Methinks this is foreshadowing, boys and girls.

Then there was the dropping of L-words. Lots of L-words. So many L-words. And then another ominous utterance: “You’ve honestly changed my life and how I look at myself . . . and I will be forever grateful for that.” That felt like an unconscious goodbye.

I just see this ending badly. I have the feeling that Joey is really into Daisy, but only one can win, Kelsey is ever-so-slightly ahead, and Joey knows it. The end of Joey and Daisy will be brutal for both.

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As if it wasn’t clear enough that Rachel is toast, the last scenes are cutaways from Kelsey wondering what Joey and Daisy are up to and what Joey and Daisy are up to.

The EGPs gave us more peeks into the mysterious “we need to talk” note from Kelsey, presumably to give us the scoop in the Finale. And in the previews we see Joey going through a LOT of drama.

I think we’re heading to a wildly dramatic finish.

See you next week.

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This week’s viewing wine is a mid-price, high-quality fave Unanime Tinto.

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[1] Detest is not strong enough a word to describe how I feel about that song.

[2] Perhaps she could have used some diving lessons from Long Time Friend and Loyal Follower of These Musings KMD.

[3] Not enough cast members talk about what happened with them in the overnights. Some say they did suggestive things. Many say they didn’t. I get the sense that most don’t but the EGPs delight in indulging us with our fantasies.