Paradise Ep. 2: Failure at Love Is Imminent

Three hours on Monday night. Two more on Tuesday night. A lot to cover, so I’m just gonna dive in with my highlights.

The Paradise theme song Almost Paradise got a remix! Shout-out to songwriters Ann Wilson of Heart and Mike Reno of Loverboy for still getting that bag.🎶💰

Jesse introduced a new game – a “chemistry test” – that had Paradisers use an app to choose whatever number of other Paradisers they would like to kiss. While it was referred to as “Kiss and Don’t Tell” – not a bad name – I’d like to suggest several superior options:

• Kisses and Misses (fabulous double entendre, if I may say so myself, and I just did)
• Behind the Back Mack
• Big Mack
• Mack Attack
• Oodles of Canoodles

I kept score so you didn’t have to. Here’s who we saw play the game (cue Prince Kiss):

• Jonathan: Alexe, Parisa, Bailey.
• Brian: Zoe, Parisa.
• Spencer: Jess (cue The Flamingos I Only Have Eyes for You).
• Jeremy: Had four girls on his list, but Bailey was his only match.
• Justin: Lexi
• Dale: Alexe, Kat, Alli Jo, Zoe.

New Arrivals: Alli Jo and Parisa from Grant’s Bachelor season (this year), and Jill and Susie from Clay-un’s season (2022).

Susie: She played a significant role in Monday’s episode. You may recall Susie turning down Clay-on’s proposal because she quite rationally didn’t want to get engaged to a man who had relations with another woman he also loved a few nights before his proposal. I recall her being impossibly cute, and she’s even cuter now. 🔥

Dramas, aka “Mess”: My Friend and Long-Time Follower of These Musings KMD texted me the phrase “failure at love is imminent.” That should be the subtitle for Bachelor in Paradise lol.¹ This is what we all come to Paradise for.

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• Zoe is a Mess over Brian, who is pretty much a jerk and should be read for filth.
• Susie and Justin are co-Messes because they are recent exes.
• Jeremy is a Mess over Bailey and Susie.
• Lexi is a Mess because she’s feeling good vibrations (cue The Beach Boys) with Justin, but isn’t sure he’s over Susie.
• Justin is a Mess because he’s still in his feelings about Susie.

Departing Paradise (cue Harold Melvin and The Bluenotes The Love I Lost):

• Zoe – dumped by dirty-dealing Brian, who switched her out for Parisa.
• Jill – she’s a delightfully goofy personality, but she got friend-zoned at the start of her date with Jonathan, who decided to stick with Alexe.
• Alli Jo – her rock-hard abs and steel thighs were not enough to woo Dale away from Kat. Apparently, Dale doesn’t have the sense to not be involved with either of them.
• Lexi – see below, What the %^$# Just Happened?

What the %^$# Just Happened?

Justin eliminates Lexi – the one girl that he was pursuing – after she got assurances from Susie that she and Justin were never ever getting back together (cue Tay Tay). But Justin gives his Rose to Susie, who is stunned, and then he walks out of the Rose Ceremony. It appears that he is sacrificing his journey to find love with Lexi in favor of giving Susie a chance to find her forever person? 

Seriously, dude? Like Susie is ever gonna have problems meeting guys?

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And this is the cliff we are left hanging on until Tuesday night and the arrival of The Goldens.

See you soon.

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P.S. Once again, the New Evil Genius Producers (NEGPs) were on their production A-game, especially with the banging music throughout the show.

P.P.S. Whatever the reason, I’m good with seeing more of Susie. Just sayin’. 😊

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1.  Although it is a matter of record that there are more marriages and lasting relationships coming from Paradise than The Bachelor and The Bachelorette. ↩︎