So it turns out that DeMario is doin’ some double dealin’. Did any of you (honestly) have that? My daughter Cassandra totally called that during the opening teasers. I’m torn on this. On the one hand, Rachel – have I mentioned how much I like her? – seemed genuinely upset about the whole deal. And did we see her go into attorney mode or what? Downright litigious. And yet, the whole scene seemed too contrived and conveniently scripted, especially when Double Dealin’ De shows up at the end for the cliff hanger, along with a couple dozen alpha males ready to perpetrate a beatdown to defend Rachel’s honor.
The cliff hanger began with a security guard being called in to handle “someone who just showed up looking for Rachel.” Really? Someone just randomly shows up on the set of a TV show without anybody on the production team recognizing a cast member who’s dressed like, uh, a cast member? And I love how the security guy referred to Chris Harrison as “Mr. Harrison.” My fantasy is that he demands to be called “Mr.” in what I like to call a Diana Ross situation as she insisted on being called “Miss Ross”. Anyway, we now have to wait to see how DDD’s appeal to Rachel plays out.
Earlier there was some drama with Annoying Aspiring Drummer and Whaaabooom Guy that was total weaksauce, especially in comparison to Josiah and DeMario’s Grade-A black-bro trash talk a bit later.
Group Date 1 “Husband Material Obstacle Course with Ashton and Mila”. I thought this was clever in a this-is-so-stupid-it-actually-works kind of way. I would have been trying to win although I certainly wouldn’t have spiked the baby doll to acknowledge victory like Whaaabooom Guy.
Group Date 2 “Hoops with Kareem”. I can’t recall ever seeing a basketball game date before and the fact that Rachel is a hooper (“If they don’t like basketball, that’s a problem.”) makes me like her even more. It was thoughtful that they arranged a group date around a personal interest but then I realized ABC will be showing the NBA Finals later this week so it was probably as much subtle strategic cross-marketing as it was thoughtful. And, yes, I would have completely dominated in that game.
Dean got the Group Date 1 rose and appears to be an early leader but – PREDICTION ALERT! – Cassandra and I both see him fizzling before he makes it into the last few. Gap Toothed Peter got a 1-on-1 and seems to have done well enough to get the ubiquitous fireworks display which signals us that there is a real connection here. This is where I wish there were advanced analytics like fantasy sports players rely on to tell us what percentage of the time fireworks date people end up with a hometown visit or the average length of stay for early group date rose getters. I make no apologies for wanting some data with my romance.
Also of note was Kenny The Wrestler’s sweet sweater that I must have this winter. I also love all of Diggy’s looks – he of the array of glasses and bow ties. Cassandra said one of his outfits was “NBA press conference-rish. I am so happy to have raised a child who could say that.
See you next week when we get some resolution on the DDD drama. And we get to go back to the Rose Ceremony where Rachel just flat slayed everybody with a spectacular dress.
 She’s keeping a running score of predictions. I’m not sharing until I get ahead. Right now, I’m not ahead.
 3 a’s and 4 o’s. He spelled it during the closing credits. Thanks, I guess?
 There is a closely related black-fam trash talk. Trust me in this, it is epic. I have a recorded phone message from my Dad that was so deliciously taunting, I saved it to my Soundcloud.com account so I can go back and revel in its audacious creativity. Sorry, I’m not posting it. You would need several levels of family clearances to hear it and it would make you cry, anyway.
 Although I’ve only been at this Bachelor franchise thing for a few years.