Go Away Little Girl

[Cue Hall & Oates]

She’s gone, oh I, oh I’d
Better learn how to face it
She’s gone, oh I, oh I’d
Pay the devil to replace her
She’s gone, what went wrong.

OK, we knew Arie had his doubts. Nor did I ever really allow myself to truly believe that My Girl Bekah would get Arie’s kneel down. And his continued obsession with Lauren seems to suggest that her beige carpet[1] personality is more wife material than Bekah’s irrepressible incandescence. What I didn’t see coming was Tia aka Raven 2.0 going all Judas on My Girl [cue up The O’Jays: They smile in your face, All the time they want to take your place, the backstabbers]. Tia’s assertions that Bekah isn’t ready for marriage included a shady toast “here’s to being open and honest” before throwing Bekah’s alleged inexperience in affairs of the heart under the bus. All this likely meant nothing to Arie – his once-conflicted mind regarding Bekah seemed to be resolved. But when you include Tia the Backstabber’s self-righteous glee at Bekah’s tearful exit, it all added up to a bad look for Tia. Arie – watch your back with this one!

With hometown visits on the line, the girls were clearly aware that they needed to bring their A-games. And yet, all I can remember of Becca K.’s date was the red Alfa Romeo Spyder. But while she was getting her ticket punched for a hometown date [cue The Beatles Ticket to Ride], The Girl Who’s Name I Still Do Not Know was coming to her senses. TGWNISDNK realized that after two months of dating a guy with six other girlfriends, we not only don’t remember her name, she doesn’t really know Arie either, saying in part, “We don’t have that foundation.” Gee, you think? So she tearfully pulls a Sharleen Joynt and decides to end her journey[2] as well as the annoying hair flips.

The date with Beige Carpet Lauren featured her penetrating insights about Italian culture such as, “That’s so Italian.”

This time, there were no bombs about exes shared during dinner in contrast to their prior date. Instead, we got Arie’s reaction to Lauren’s proclamation of love which was to . . . wait for it . . . LEAVE THE SET!!!!

OK, I admit that I might choose only two or three out of ten on an Open to Feelings assessment but it would never occur to me to select, “Check please!”, in response to “It’s obvious I’m falling in love with you[3].” Dude actually got up and LEFT THE DINNER DATE!!!! Where did he go? What did he do? Did he get coached up by Chris Harrison? Whatever he did, he came back so emboldened that he BROKE THE BACHELOR RULES by telling Lauren he loved her prior to the I Got Your Neil Lane Diamond Kneel Down Moment™. So, this begs the question, is she the favorite now?

Next up was Sienne. After a date that Carl Jung would have approved of with its focus on what’s more important, the head or the heart, alas, Sienne was sent home. Her problem wasn’t just that she is more “head” and he is more “heart” but that Arie seems to be distinctly uncomfortable with really intelligent women. (Unrelated to analytical psychology, was anybody besides me really coveting that fresh, steaming, gloriously yellow pasta they had on their date?)

Then came the agonizing three-on-one date, whose combination of girls that Arie seemed to have strong connections with foreshadowed a shocking moment, especially when Kendall the Taxidermist got the first rose. And then, of course, the ultimate shocker. But based on her charismatic appearance on Kimmel after the show, the utterly evanescent Bekah seems to have moved on very well.

(Note to somebody who can do something: put this girl on TV or in a movie. She is made for the camera!)

So now it’s down – which I mean in a literal sense – to Beige Carpet Lauren, Kendall the Taxidermist, Tia the Backstabber and Becca the, uh, Tall? I say BC Lauren gets in the Final Two. He is totally taken with her. Is Becca the other? And do any of us really care? At this point, we’ll always have My Girl Bekah in spirit, and hopefully in body, as this summer’s Queen of Bachelor in Paradise.

P.S. Don’t forget The Bachelor Winter Games tonight! International ridiculiciousness? Yes, please.

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[1] Per @ClaireEFallon whose live tweets add much to my viewing enjoyment.

[2] Hence the editing of the show such that The Girl Who’s Name I Still Do Not Know hardly ever appeared. And in case you forgot, Sharleen was the opera singer in Juan Pablo’s season who wisely figured out this process wasn’t going to work for her. She’s happily married now, by the way.)

[3] Yep, cue up Elvis singing I Can’t Help Falling In Love With You.