In a surprise to nobody, Arie sent Kendall the Taxidermist home. Aside from her love of stuffing animals which would be a complete non-starter for me, she was by far the most interesting girl of the three which is exactly why she wouldn’t be suitable for Arie. But even if I had been inclined to send her home ringless, that killer dress she wore to the Rose Ceremony may have persuaded me otherwise.
This brings us to the Fantasy Suites. Lauren B(eige Carpet)’s date was marked by the speed with which she accepted the invitation given how slow she is to say anything beyond, “Look. A bird.” And then there was the insertion of the LeAnn Rimes/Trisha Yearwood hit How Can I Live? I’d like to think that the producers have been reading my musings and stole my idea of inserting popular songs into the show to capture the theme of a key moment.
The actual song used was a cover version by a Laura Fleiss. She is the wife of Mike Fleiss, the creator and executive producer of The Bachelor franchise. Mike was a judge at the 2012 Miss America pageant cohosted by Chris Harrison. Laura was the winner of said 2012 Miss America pageant whose talent was, of course, singing. Did I mention that Mike had divorced his high school sweetheart in late 2011? And that the Miss America pageant was January 2012? Love, apparently, can come at you fast.
By the way, Ms. Fliess’ entire Spotify and iTunes catalog consists of one song released in, yes, 2018. I’m guessing you have some idea what song that is.
Onto Becca’s Fantasy Suite Tent date. That tent was better than a lot of hotel rooms I’ve been in. Heck, that tent is better than probably any room I’ve been in. Except for one key thing. Was anybody else wondering where the restroom was? There didn’t seem to anything in the view of the camera except tent and Peruvian desert bringing new meaning to “use the restroom before you go” and “you’ll be roughing it”. [theme music: Tommy James and The Shondells I Think We’re Alone Now]
All that’s left now is enduring three(!) more hours to finally see Arie kneel down before Lauren B(eige Carpet); and the big reveal of the shocking ending unlike anything we’ve ever seen in the history of The Bachelor – we have Chris Harrison’s word for it. Perhaps said moment was portended in The Women Tell All by the woman – you know, the one of the 2,481 women on the show that we still know absolutely nothing about; at least she wasn’t one of the blonde ones – who said something to Arie about I know what you did and you are a despicable human being or something to that effect.
[cue Carly Simon Anticipation]
 Both released on the same day in 1997 and both nominated for a Grammy for Best Country Female Vocal Performance. This created something of a feud between the two artists as there is an unspoken rule that you don’t sing somebody else’s song. It (written by legendary songwriter Diane Warren) had been offered to and recorded first by LeeAnn. The makers of the movie Con Air decided to have Trisha do a version of it rather than go with LeeAnn’s. At the Grammys things got even more awkward as LeeAnn performed it live but Trisha took home the award. Too bad Twitter wasn’t around then. It would have so lit.
 Not that dreadful version by Tiffany.
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