Paradise’s Greatest Hits

IMG_0654My Daughter Cassandra: Remember we have wine.

Me: The sparkling Rose´?

My Daughter Cassandra: Yes.

Me: Remember it’s three hours tonight.

My Daughter Cassandra: That’s why we need the wine.

Instead of my usual (more or less) chronological summary for this lengthy episode, I’m going to offer a recap by way of its Greatest Hits (sort of in chronological order).

If That’s Your Boyfriend (He Wasn’t Last Night) (Me’shell Ndegeocello) and Love the Way You Lie (Eminem feat. Rihanna): Eric, who has claimed D-Bag status now that Gaslighting Leo is gone, throws Angela under all the buses when he tells Cassandra that he “wants consistency and honesty in a relationship” despite not giving Angela any of that. Angela tells Cassandra about his duplicity but Cassandra accepts Eric’s rose anyway.

Right Place Wrong Time (Dr. John): Just when we thought they were finally a thing, Colton tearfully breaks it off with Tia – he tried but couldn’t get there – and they both leave Paradise. However, we’ll get to see him again as the next Bachelor.

Landslide (Fleetwood Mac): When one solid relationship going down, all the girls begin wondering if their relationships are on solid ground or not. Male Model Jordan reassures Jenna. And Kevin reassures Astrid by telling her, among other things, she’s out of his league [cue bonus track Out of My League (Fitz and the Tantrums)].

Imaginary Lover (Atlanta Rhythm Section): Annaliese wards off insecurity by staying in her cocoon of non-reality by saying about Kamil, “I can’t imagine myself with anybody else.” Which she has literally said about the last 3,818 guys she has met. Shockingly, despite a couple of cute new arrivals to Paradise, her and Kamil are still a thing.

Hot Blooded (Foreigner): Venmo John continues to beta test every woman in Paradise. He accepts a date with Chisten and after his test run, he decides to stick with Olivia. For now.

Worst That Could Happen (The Brooklyn Bridge): Jared proposes to Ashley I. right in front of her ex, Kevin, who immediately goes in a funk. But he and Astrid get a date card out of the awkward experience.

Your Belong With Me (Taylor Swift) and When Will I Be Loved (Linda Ronstadt): Chelsea has an emotional meltdown after her strategy of stealing any of the other girl’s guys fails to get her a rose.

Killer Queen (Queen): Shushanna’s constantly calling Annaliese “the blonde girl.”

Not a bad playlist, actually. See you next time.


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