Gettin’ Witchy Wit It

Tuesday night’s episode began with Astrid proclaiming that all the couples are “perfect”. And to show these couples where perfection can lead, Janner and Carvan[1] showed up to Paradise with babies in tow. This is also known as branding – love can be found in Paradise! Good move, Chris Harrison. Tanner was rockin’ the dad bod which was very gratifying for me given the constant inundation of sculpted, Greek-god looking guys that are also part of the Bachelor brand. However, the babysitting date that Grocery Store Joe and Kendall “won” seemed off-brand to me. Babies are supposed to be messy and scream. We watch The Bachelor franchise to see adults do those things. 🙂

Like Eric, for example, who decides he now feels differently about Cassandra after having feelings for Cassandra because he felt differently about Angela but the reason he now feels differently about Cassandra is that he realizes what he gave up when he felt differently about Angela so now he feels he should leave Paradise.

Krystal and Chris get a date card and share the L-word with each other [cue Olivia Newton John I Honestly Love You]. We know it’s the real thing because the exchange was followed with serenading from a random singer nobody has ever heard of even though Krystal acted like “Ben Rector” is a household name[2].

And then [cue The Eagles Witchy Woman] the episode devolved into a Russian witch hunt. Sad. I mean literally sad as opposed to the clever play on words by Wells and Yuki. Actually it was more maddening than sad. There was just way too much time spent on the Shushanna-as-witch thing when her even-more-delusional-than-Annalise(!) personality needed no further augmentation.

Her obsession with Kamil broke up her budding thing with New Zealand Jordan who quickly moved on to Cassandra whose cheese[3] got moved when Eric left. [cue Stephen Stills Love the One You’re With] In a series of inexplicable moves, Shu tries in vain to rekindle her imaginary thing with Kamil and after that fails, she tries to rekindle her once-budding real thing with New Zealand Jordan which also fails. Much self-inflicted inconsolable anguish and torment ensues.

And then the cool, bespectacled Diggy arrives to Paradise with, “Olivia, what’s up!” What’s up is they have a hot date and Venmo John is going to find out what it feels like when somebody moves in on your cheese. I wonder if he has an app for that.

It all comes to a dramatic end next week with screaming, crying adults instead of babies. Once again, I’ll be otherwise occupied on the road so musings will come later in the week.

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[1] Jade and Tanner; Carly and Evan. I made these names up.

[2] I looked him up. This summer he scored a #1 on Billboard’s Americana/Folk Albums. My apologies to Ben and the fans that actually know his music.

[3] The constant references to cheese are based on the 1998 best-selling book Who Moved My Cheese. It’s a good book.