Paradise has closed and with it the official end of the summer has passed. All that is left is to summarize the mindlessness, the madness, the mayhem – and the malice – the best way that I know. Ladies and gents, girls and boys – it’s Paradise’s Greatest Hits, Vol. 2!
Shame (Evelyn “Champagne” King); You Dropped a Bomb on Me (The Gap Band): Kamil, Kamil, Kamil. Dude, you CANNOT do that to ANYBODY! Whether you were working alone or in concert with Chris Harrison and his evil genius producers, you needed to man up and tell Annaliese that you were no longer feeling it sometime – anytime – prior to telling her in front of a national TV audience and the Paradise cast. That was a heartbreaking, disgusting moment of reality TV that none of us needed. The “process” sets people up for failure pretty easily. Goading them into it is vulgarly unnecessary.
By the Rules (Adam Lambert): So much is made of believing in “the process” of a brief, summer fling. This process ends in one of two ways:
- A night in the fantasy suite to take the relationship to the next level with a proposal expected the morning after;
- Or break up.
- There is no option #3.
Pursuant to said rules, here’s how it all went down for the other couples.
I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For (U2): Cassandra & New Zealand Jordan; and new arrival Robby and Witchy Shushanna decide to leave Paradise and each other.
Sealed With a Kiss (Bobby Vinton): Though they had to say goodbye for the summer, and knowing the love they’d miss, Venmo John and Olivia pledged to meet in the months after Paradise.
We Can Work It Out (The Beatles): Both Kevin and Kendall have emotional, commitment-phobia meltdowns with Astrid and Grocery Store Joe (GSJ), respectively, and both couples leave Paradise with tears (Kevin and Kendall) or confused anger (Astrid and GSJ).
However, ever the matchmaker, Chris Harrison arranges for Kendall to have a face-to-face-heart-to-heart talk with GSJ in Chicago and for onstage face time during After the Final Rose for Astrid and Kevin. The latter couple somewhat meekly agree to give their relationship another go.
You Should Be Dancing (Bee Gees): And to help cut down the L.A.-Chicago distance for Kendall and GSJ, the ever-connected Chris Harrison has arranged for GSJ to go on Dancing With the Stars where hours of close contact with some hot dancer and millions of adoring women watching him continue to be adorable each week is bound to help Kendall get over her fears of commitment.
That brings me to the two couples for whom the process “worked”.
At Last (Etta James): Krystal and Chris (The Goose) leave engaged and after meeting and being accepted warmly by her dogs, they’ve decided to move in together. The villains of The Bachelor and The Bachelorette – who would have guessed?
I Heard It Through the Grapevine (Marvin Gaye): The deeply smitten Male Model Jordan (MMJ) and his free spirit Jenna also leave the process engaged. Alas, the day after we see them ask Chris to perform their wedding next June, some allegedly inappropriate texts to another guy were reported to have been found on Jenna’s phone!
“You know how much I need the money. Me and Jordan aren’t even together for real,” her text message read. “I don’t even like him let alone love him. I’m better than him and once I’m able to, I’ll break it off for good and make up some story to make him look bad.”
I am devastated. His transformation (and/or show editing) from clueless narcissist to cuddly and loyal Golden Retriever was fun to watch.
The Wanderer (Dion): And that finally brings me to Venmo John who continues to beta test girlfriends. He and Olivia left Paradise to explore where their relationship could go. But the roaming programmer found the distance challenging when all they could do was mostly Facetime. Except that during the same time he was working on his thing with Olivia, he was working on a thing with Chelsea that developed over – wait for it – FaceTime.
Never Can Say Goodbye (Jackson 5): And that’s a wrap. It’s been fun re-capping this wacky show that’s my favorite of The Bachelor franchise. See you next time.
 Per a friend’s quite believable conspiracy theory.
 With all of the attendant salacious implications.