Colton, Cacophony and Chemistry

Each first night of The Bachelor asks the existential question, “How many women are too many for one man? I have three in my family and I’ll just say that I’m glad it’s not the 30 Colton has to deal with. Consider this season’s challenge. As soon as you say, “the one in the red dress”, you’re reminded that there are multiple red dresses including two of the same one. Or you mention the Miss America contestant but there are two of those. Forget trying to recall the pretty blonde’s name – there’s always fiftyleven of them. There’s two Alex’s, two Hannah’s, a Caelyn and a Caitlyn. And there’s lots of “young girls” which prompted My Girl Bekah (2017/Nick Viall season) to tweet this little bit of saltiness:

So many women not only puts a lot of pressure on the guys, it also impresses upon the girls the need to impress Colton with an impressive first impression. I tend to go for subtly clever like Cassie with the box of butterflies to show how nervous she was. Colton kept one of them so he clearly liked that. But big and clever works for me, too – clever is the operative word – like the Cinderella entrance including leaving behind a shoe and the “Fashion Police” girl in cop car with siren blaring.

What seems to be leaving a bad impression on everybody but Colton who was forced by the producers to give her a rose is what’s her name’s penchant for interrupting other girls’ conversations with Colton. [cue Joe Jones 1960 hit You Talk Too Much] Surely, they’re going to come up with a better villain than her, right?

As if a mansion cluttered with women wasn’t enough, we viewers had to deal with the cacophony of national viewing parties featuring paid guests and Bachelor franchise alumni collecting their appearance fees by shouting into the cameras trying to convince us that SOMETHING BIG – BIG! – NO! REALLY REALLY BIG IS HAPPENING HERE!!!! I did love the shot of the couple hosting a party at their house in Atlanta. The husband was trying to look like he was excited but sounded like he’d rather be at some sports bar watching Olympic curling highlights or a corn hole competition. Did we really need a whole hour (plus parts of the other two) of watching other people’s parties? I fast-forwarded through most of that.

Somehow, through all the first night chaos there was a moment – the conversation with the 2019 First Impression Rose Winner Hannah G. Their instant chemistry was palpable and Colton was so clearly smitten. [cue Luther Vandross The Rush] HE TALKED ABOUT HIS MOTHER!!!! She is clearly the leader in the clubhouse after the first round and I can’t recall feeling that way about anybody after one episode. So now I find myself in curious anticipation of seeing if she goes all the way and, if not, who happens to displace her (Madame Butterfly Cassie had a good night, too). I’m oddly excited about this.

Oh, yeah, I did enjoy the Chris Harrison retrospective especially since he and I go wayback to his HGTV days[1] when my nickname for him was “Boy Band Dude” because he looked like the third or fourth most important (i.e. not important) guy in the band[2] who was able to get a cable TV gig after the band broke up when all the reunion tours could get booked was county fairs and Fireman’s Field Days. Look at him now – the highest paid person in TV per minute they actually appear on TV. And with more adoring fangirls than ever. Nicely done, Chris. [cue Backstreet Boys Larger Than Life]

See you next week!

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[1] Designers Challenge. My family went through an HGTV addiction and I watched the shows I could tolerate.

[2] With an awful name like 4Ever4U.