Lies! Deceit! A cringeworthy proposal! Thank you, Bachelor franchise. Everything I’ve ever wanted, you were promising to deliver. Not only did you do that, you also gave me a logically satisfying ending – two people agreeing to go on a date. Yes, just a date. No Neil Lane ring. No engagement-and-we-break-up-later. Just a date. Like, let’s hang out and have a drink. Chris Harrison will send a limo.
So how did we get there?
Step 1. Hannah B. wrestled with her indecision which we would find out after a commercial break wasn’t really indecision but not wanting to let down . . .
Step 2. . . . Tyler C. who she cut off in the middle of his overly rehearsed proposal. I was starting to fall asleep during it and if that means I’m not romantic enough for some of you, I can live with that. Hannah B. ends her journey with Tyler C. because . . .
Step 3. . . . her heart is with Jed. And his stupid guitar.
She accepts his proposal and it goes without saying that a certain blogger foretold this as a likely outcome (oh, a certain blogger didn’t let it go without saying, did he 🙂 ). But by this point we all know this engagement isn’t going to end well. We just don’t know what “isn’t going to end well” is going to entail.
Step 4. Fast-forward to Jed (thankfully without that guitar) and Hannah discussing the no-longer-alleged-and-now-substantiated-rumors. I’m a little foggy – I kept hearing that “wonk-wonk” sound from the Charlie Brown cartoons every time Jed spoke – but I think his story was this [cue Three Dog Night Liar]:
“So just before I came on the show I took this girl out for a drink. Then we went out on a second date for dinner and hooked up after. Our next date was a romantic weekend getaway. I got drunk and told her I loved her. Probably a few times I think even though I never meant it. Then I decided to come on a dating show and I ghosted her and she was supposed to interpret that as we broke up. Seemed logical to me and I don’t understand what I did to give her the impression that we were a thing at that point and why she would tell People magazine otherwise. Oh, yeah, then after I won you and I got engaged, there were lots of texts between me and her. And oh, yeah, I had a couple of girls over to my place and I threw them in the pool and . . . .”
Hannah B. – “What the freak????”
Jed: [cue Amy Winehouse I’m No Good]
“I can now see how this how looks bad and . . . (a bunch of other manipulative stuff trying to save his engagement, his reputation, and the little shred of his music “career”).
Somewhere Luke P. is reveling in that fact that we all thought that that HE was the only monster.
And a variety of family members are saying they tried to tell her so.
And Peter’s dad is wondering how Hannah B. picked this loser after his son got busy four times in a windmill.
Step 5. Some awkward live-audience conversation between Chris Harrison and Hannah.
Step 6. Some awkward live-audience conversation between Jed and Hannah. When Jed came out from backstage we finally got the answer to what the sound of one hand clapping sounds like.
Step 7. Tyler C. comes out and, whoa boys and girls, there was some kind of what-the-freak incredibly obvious chemistry between Tyler C. and Hannah. [cue Pointer Sisters Fire]
Step 8. She asks him for a date much to the relief of Bachelor Nation, including Demi the ex-Dastardly Diva and actual pop diva Demi Lovato.
So where our lovely couple is now and what they’re up to, I have no idea. I wish them well, especially Hannah B. who finished out her journey as the most amazing lead ever. She was an awesome, strong woman who demonstrated such growth and insight. She made this my most enjoyable Bachelor franchise season ever.
And next week comes Bachelor in Paradise. I can’t wait.
 Stolen from a fan of the blog. Thanks CSP!
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