Scorched Earth in Paradise

Yes, I know it’s a rather odd to add an addendum to something that hasn’t been written yet. But shortly after last night’s episode – the second of the two-part premiere – Blake set the internetosphere on fire with his side of the Caelynn story. He’s got text message receipts and they indicate that Caelynn is, indeed, the mendacious, malevolent manipulator that Hannah B. (the “B” is for “busted the bish”) called out on the past season of The Bachleor (Colton’s). You can Google it yourself – it won’t be hard to find as he’s more famous right now than Blake Shelton, Blake Lively, William Blake or Blake Harnage[1].

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Hannah B. reading Blake’s IG about Caelynn.

An amazing gift has dropped into the laps of Chris Harrison and his evil genius producers. Right now, their little, ridiculicious summer show is a legit major player in the news cycle. The show around the show is generating around the clock attention for the show! It’s a Hollywood dream.

About this hot-buttered mess of a hella drama, I have some questions.

  1. Whither Caelynn the Con-Woman? Girlfriend is far from the injured party in this drama that she wanted us to believe. And we did believe! However, she was the instigator and Blake’s co-conspirator. If she survives this, she needs to get gigs in some Hallmark Channel movies stat because she’s a great actress. Or she can play the fatally attracted female role in those weird Lifetime Channel movies with titles like Dangerous Seduction, Secret Obsession, or Lethal Admirer.
  2. Does this scorched earth defense of his, uh, character, justify Blake’s behavior? Is the public sharing of texts OK? I’ll go with a “no” on both.
  3. So does Kristina need to be confronting Caelynn the Con-Woman as the initiator of the triangled trystings? I think, yes.
  4. Regardless of his relationship non-status with either Caelynn the Con-Woman or Kristina, didn’t Kristina deserve better from Blake? I think yes, in spite of and maybe because of Kristina’s issues (think back to her inability to disentangle from the toxic Dean on Paradise).
  5. So Blake is still an f-boy, douche bag, a-hole, right? I think yes.
  6. Then what is My Girl Hannah G. doing with him????????

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Musings on this week’s non-Blake related ridiculiciousness of Paradise are still coming. Stay tuned.


[1] Who isn’t famous but should be as a talented young music producer. Google him, too.

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