Hey everybody! Watcha been up to? Me? I’ve been, uh, busy.
You have to hand it to Chris Harrison and the Evil Genius Producers. In spite of a pandemic that has literally upended just EVERYTHING; Chris saying this is a season like no other; and Chris congratulating Clare (the Chaos Queen) for blowing up The Bachelorette, they stuck resolutely – and insanely (inanely?) – to their time-honored script of making sure they got a guy down on one knee making a proposal. This happened over the course of three pressure-packed conversations.
Conversation #1 – Chris talks to CCQ
Chris: [concerned father look] So, are you in love?
CCQ: [huge, glowing smile) Yes. He’s my person.
Chris: That’s great. I’m so happy for you. Now do you think you can be engaged and up outta here by noon checkout so we can clean the room for Tayshia and get the allotted number of shows in that we’ve promised to our advertisers?
Conversation #2 – Chris FaceTimes Neil Lane
Chris: Neil my dude, I need a ring STAT!
Neil: Bruh, today? As if it’s some physical impossibility for him with all the rings to get a ring from L.A. to Palm Springs when nobody is on the roads due to COVID.
Conversation #3 – Chris with Dale, Dale, Dale (aka ThreeD)
Chris: She loves you.
ThreeD: I love her, too. I know it’s true love because after I told her, that couple from The Bachelor Presents: Listen to Your Heart showed up to sing to us.
Chris: Good. So I got a ring comin’ and ima need you to do the one knee thing or you will never leave the resort alive.
Look, I get it. The Bachelor franchise has its brand and the paramount piece of that brand is the proposal. So even in such unique circumstances, come hell, high water or global pandemic, WE’RE GONNA GET A PROPOSAL DAMMIT!! But since the protocols were already so irretrievably broken, wouldn’t it have been more satisfying if they broke that one, too? Just let CCQ and ThreeD happily jump into the same limo that initially brought in ThreeD and get driven into their happily-ever-after. C’mon! THAT’S ROMANTIC!!!! And then show the same end of show videos of the happy couple having happy couple fun with each other.
Instead, I feel like CCQ, ThreeD and we in Bachelor Nation were used by all of the edited drama to make sure Chris got what he expects everybody – the leads, their pursuers, and us viewers – to come for: a proposal. Whatever.
[Instead of a GIF here, insert your own image of the outrage displayed by My Daughter Diandra who was kicking the air like a mad five-year old, “No! No! No! I don’t like this!]
My protestations aside, CCQ and ThreeD look amazingly happy. I do wish them the best, especially for CCQ whose unfortunate life experiences and headstrong personality have led to too many dramatic and ill-fated TV moments.
This brings me to the guys who laughably clung to their delusions that they were still in the game. That some convos were laughably captured on a secretive night-cam only added to the ridiculiciousness. Things really got to ridiculicious heights after Chris asked ThreeD in front of the guys if he could step outside to talk to him privately. ThreeD doesn’t ever return and yet, while he’s canoodling all night with CCQ (the producers managed to pull off a Fantasy Suite date, too), the guys continue to find reasons to play down the obvious nature of their relationship. Competitive is one thing. But
when you’re losing the election when nearly all the votes are in, just concede already just fight it in court when you’re behind by 50 points with one minute left, take a non-proposal knee and get off the field.
Eventually, the boys get the bad news first from Chris and then from CCQ, that she came to find love and that she had found it in ThreeD. Final horn. Ballgame over. Gaslighting grievances ensues.
- “You need to apologize to us.”
- “I shared my FEELINGS with her!”
- “I bought her a book!”
Bruh. Seriously? You’re up in your feelings over a book?
Ever on a timeline to get all the episodes in, Chris returned one last time with news that the guys’ journeys can continue if they decide by the morning whether they want to stay and follow their dream
of becoming Instagram famous, get a podcast and move into a career of paid appearances of finding love [cue Sly and the Family Stone If You Want Me to Stay] or not. This means that we will witness The First Ever Group Blind Date with Tayshia who rolls out of the limo looking all kinds of fine.
I think this First Ever Group Blind Date is a pretty cool thing and I’m looking forward to see how it affects the process. Maybe I-bought-her-a-book-guy will find something to give Tayshia at the resort gift shop.
See you next week.
P.S. Tonight’s viewing wine: Pendulum Red Blend
 The continued use of sports metaphors by the guys on every season of The Bachelorette cracks me up even while it’s rather disturbing. It’s like we males are programmed to see even amorous pursuits as a contest with a prize. That said, the women looking for love on The Bachelor also strive against each other but with a completely different set of antagonistic behaviors. It’s quite the study in gender sociology.