Yes, Chris, I’m Shocked

[excited Chris Harrison voice] THE SHOCKING TWO-NIGHT FINALE! THE ENDING YOU WON’T BELIEVE!!!

I don’t know about not believing the ending yet, but OK, Chris, you got me on “shocking.” The blog I was forming in my head for the first 90 minutes went totally out the window in the last 30. Had my head spinning.

Let’s briefly summarize that first 90 minutes – Daffy Dates Done Dirt Cheap:[1]

• Date 1 (Ivan) – ice baths and a trailer instead of a Fantasy Suite. My fantasies don’t involve a trailer. A band tour bus maybe. But never a trailer.
• Date 2 (Zac) – body painting. Very messy. I don’t like messy.
• Date 3 (Brendan) – sitting in a hotel room while Neil Lane shows off HANDMADE DIAMOND STUFF! DID YOU HEAR THAT? I SAID HANDMADE G-D IT! LOOK AT THIS HANDMADE S**T! MY HANDS HANDMADE ALL OF THIS! Neil also described his years of being associated with The Bachelor franchise as a journey – an unexpected opportunity to take a sip.

Clearly the producers have been managing their budgets this season.

Let’s further summarize.

• Date 1 (Ivan) – He and Tayshia shared “I’m fallings” with each other [cue The Spinners Could It Be I’m Falling In Love]. Falling isn’t the same as fallen. There is a real friend-zone vibe here.
• Date 2 (Zac) – Unlike Ivan, Zac and Tayshia got an actual suite. More importantly, they shared the L-word with each other. Strong, assured L-words. [cue Beyonce featuring Jay Z Crazy in Love] No lightweight “I’m falling for you” crap. And their physical attraction/connection is so apparent.
• Date 3 (Brendan) – and this is where it came off the rails.

You could see visible signs of PTSD during their Neil Lane date. And then at dinner Brendan breaks up with Tayshia!!! Yes, Chris, I was shocked. I turned to My Daughter Diandra (MDD) and said, “Wait. Is he breaking up with her?” Having been through the franchise’s long history of very bad breakups, especially the ones that come late in the game, this was as honest, self-aware, kind and respectful a thing as you’re likely to ever see on this show. I knew there was more to this guy than his cool shirts.

But another shocker to me was Tayshia strongly implying that he was The One. I don’t disbelieve her but that Fantasy Suite date with Zac sure made it seem like he was The One.

Oh, and then Ben shows up! This after Tayshia confides in former Bachelorette now “American Media Personality” (per Google) Rachel Lindsay that he was The One That Got Away.

This leaves us precariously hanging over a cliff. What is she going to do with Ben?? I know what she should do.

What mistake is her Dad saying he doesn’t want to see her make? Who is she crying over at the altar? The guy whose proposal she says no to? But which guy is that?

She’s gotta pick Zac, right? Right?

I’m actually pretty excited.

P.S. This episode’s viewing wine: Luce Della Vite Lucente 2017

P.P.S. The awkwardness of having to keep the guys together during their Fantasy Suite dates was fabulous.

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[1] Clever AC/DC reference, if I may say so myself which I just did.