A Dull Night in Paradise

At this point in the season, the show is getting low on content. I agree with My Daughter Diandra (MDD): “We’re wringing out the washcloth, getting what we can out of it.” Coming out of that washcloth were the few drops left of Kendall and Grocery Store Joe’s (GSJ’s) relationship, which wasn’t much.

You’re right. You should have moved to Chicago with Joe. Great town. Good food. Awesome blues clubs.

All the things I know right now
If I only knew back then, there’s no gettin’ over
No gettin’ over, there’s just no gettin’ over you
Wish I could spin my world into reverse
Just to have you back again, there’s no gettin’ over
There’s no gettin’ over, there’s just no getting over you
No no (Gettin’ Over You, Song by Chris Willis and David Guetta)

Lil Jon arrives – YEAAAHHH! – and if they made him a permanent host of Paradise, I’d be down with that. How far in our rearview mirror is Chris Harrison at this point?

Lil Jon announces the arrival of two more bros, Ed and (as-chiseled-as-Riley) Demar. We got some mini-drama when (as-chiseled-as-Riley) Demar, with date card in hand, talks to Riley’s girl Maurissa. Maurissa came to Paradise hoping to meet (as-chiseled-as-Riley) Demar, but he ends up choosing Chelsea for his double date with Ed, who chose Natasha. The adorable Natasha deserves better. #FreeNatasha

The Evil Genius Producers (EGPs) gave Kenny a date card to solidify things with Mari. Things took a turn on this date. There should be an adjective before “turn,” but I’m struggling for one word to describe how utterly ridiculous and stupid beyond words this date was. Girlfriend dressed so fine only to take all that off (and him likewise, although not dressed to her level), so they could become human tacos? Can I have sour cream on the side of the leg hair, please? Seriously? Making and eating tacos on each other’s bodies was an actual date?

While that was going on, Box Dude makes a play for Tia. She likes him, but apparently, last week’s revelation of how her other guy Blake makes her feel things in her nether regions wasn’t enough, so we had to hear more about how said regions feel about Box Dude (not much) and Bad Boy Blake (much). Her history suggests this is not a reliable method of finding a quality relationship.

The Hallmark Movie Interlude

Back to a properly attired Kenny and Mari. They drop L-words and go full Hallmark movie, including some sentimental music as they head to the Boom Boom Room (okay, that part is definitely not Hallmark LOL).

The Evil Genius Producers (EGPs) gave Riley a date card so that he could solidify things with his girl Maurissa, perhaps as a reward for him surviving the possibility of a love triangle involving him, her, and (as-chiseled-as-Riley) Demar. They drop L-words and go full Hallmark movie with sentimental music and tears.

And finally there is a montage set to sentimental music of all the happily ever after couples on the beach.

Of course, the Evil Genius Producers know that “happily ever after” means “until next week”.

Back to “Reality”

Mother Nature must have realized that this isn’t the Hallmark Channel and intervened by sending a storm into the proceedings. Producer-types had the Paradisers pack up and leave to somewhere for their safety with all kinds of wonderings if Paradise was over.

Uh, but after the commercial break, everybody was back at it as if nothing happened. Literally sound and fury, signifying nothing. Kind of a metaphor for Paradise. Mother Nature is pretty clever.

A relationship storm arrived when Tia began to question Blake’s lack of effort in pursuing her. [cue The Human League Don’t You Want Me] This puts her rose in doubt as she ponders how much harder Box Dude is vying for her than Blake.

When Chelsea arrived, the girls said she could have any man on the beach, and Chelsea seemed intent on proving them right by dating every man she’s interested in. This set up the pre-Rose Ceremony cliff we were left hanging on – a contretemps between Aaron and Ivan over Ivan’s last-second move on Chelsea.