#FreeNatasha

Cue Lizzo: “Why men great, ‘til they gotta be great?”[1]

Yeah, Dr. Joe. We see you.

And once again, the Evil Genius Producers (EGPs) worked their malevolent magic by making us think they brought Dr. Joe to cure Natasha of the Lovesick Blues (cue Hank Williams). But, Nah, they brought in the nerdy but likable anesthesiologist WHO IS BRENDON’S BEST FRIEND to rile her up rather than calm her down.

We’ll come back to them. First, let’s rewind the tape.

As predicted, the Chris/Alana “we came to Paradise looking for Instagram followers” situation was just the opening act for the pre-planning duo of Brendan and Pieper (B&P). Brendan used Natasha as a placeholder until Pieper arrived to explore further a relationship that had formed pre-Paradise. In a scene that was a combination of The Godfather meets Charlie’s Angels, Grocery Store Joe (GSJ) leads an angry mob of Natasha’s girlfriends to confront B&P.

Having been read for filth, B&P find the beach scene too awkward to navigate and decide to leave. Unlike Chris and Alana, at least B&P left together to contemplate how much further their Instagram following will drop.

To relieve the tension, the EGPs had Riley and Maurissa involve themselves in something R-rated involving fruit, cream, and body parts, or as My Daughter Diandra (MDD) said, the EGPs turned some outtakes into a show segment.

And hol’ up. When did Ivan and Kendall become a thing? When did Tia and Box Dude become a thing?

And yes, KMD, WE HAD A ROSE CEREMONY!!! It only took another hour to get there, but we had forgotten that they existed by now, so it didn’t matter. First, Natasha got a freebie for being done dirty by B&P. And then Demi and her projections, Deeandra, Jessenia, and Tammy didn’t get roses, and so they left us.

Then . . . Lil John. YEAH!! Crank (or should I say crunk?[2]) up some Get Low and let’s party like it’s 2003.

Some dude from Clare’s season named Blake shows up saying, “Nobody’s expecting me.” Expecting you? Nobody knows who you are!

Tia seems to know who and she eagerly accepts a date with “Tat Daddy” much to the dismay of Box Dude. Of course, her and Box Dude were only a thing so that Tia could blow that thing up later.

And finally, adorably sincere and nerdy Dr. Joe shows up. He makes a beeline right to Natasha but it all feels too staged. Things were going well until we realize that we were being set up when everybody on the beach hopes she doesn’t bring up the subject of Brendan.

Of course, he asks how someone with all her attractive qualities finds herself single in Paradise. Of course, she has to bring up her whole Brendan saga. Of course, Dr. Joe and Brendan are BFFs. Of course, Dr. Joe isn’t interested in hearing how his BFF did Natasha dirty.

Again, cue Lizzo: “Why men great, ‘til they gotta be great?”

Of course, this relationship is DOA. And, of course, we have been cruelly played once again by the EGPs.

After all this typical Paradise relationship chaos, the episode went into Hallmark movie mode by solving all of the mess with a romantic ending in the last five minutes. Or did they? Sure, we heard GSJ and Serena dropping L-bombs on each other. But I’m worried that GSJ is trying too hard to prove to himself that he’s over his ex Kendall. Kendall, for the moment, is in a thing with Ivan which she has to blow up because she still has a thing for GSJ. And the previews tell us we have their relationship status to look forward to next week.

The drama. Oh, I love it so.

This week’s viewing wine. Cherry cola (oak + vanilla + dark cherry) and spices that you feel in your nose. Very nice.

See you next Tuesday.

P.S. Do they have bedding and linen service in the Boom Boom Room? Asking for a friend.

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[1] Truth Hurts

[2] Per Wikipedia: “It [Get Low] is also known as a breakthrough song for the crunk genre, as the song’s success helped [crunk] become mainstream. It is listed number 99 on VH1’s 100 Greatest Songs of Hip-Hop.”