Alexa. When Will This Be Over?

“Three hours feels like punishment.” – My Daughter Diandra (MDD)

Seriously? TWO THREE-HOUR episodes to close out this season of Paradise? We’re gonna have to call in reinforcements.

The Evil Genius Producers (EGPs) hate us. They drag us through three hours to put the relationship of The Rehabilitated Noah and Everybody Loves Abigail on the brink?

We are left hanging on that cliff, and I hope these two silly, vulnerable lovebirds come to their senses next week.

This brings us to where tonight began with Ivan. No. This does not logically follow, but I’m three hours into the tenth episode of a season that already feels like the 110th episode. I’m losing touch with chronology.

Not only do the EGPs hate us. They also think we’re stupid. Remember last week’s cliffhanger of Aaron and Ivan fighting over Ivan’s sudden interest in Chelsea? Well, that happened, and then the whole beach talked about that happening, and somehow Chelsea was never there for all the happenings? Then she happens to show up after everybody is finished talking about what had happened? Was she being held hostage by the producers until everything that happened had already finished happening?

We were just getting started.

We find out that something actually did happen during the mysterious storm interlude from last week. And that something involved Ivan: “I accidentally saw a producer phone, and it just happened to have the room number of a contestant (I wanted to meet) staying there.”

Wait. Hole’up. Even if I buy the left-behind-cell-phone part (I’m not), in what world does a producer – or anybody human being – not have an automatic lock on their cellphone? In what world does a producer just happen to have their cellphone open to whatever app has the contestants’ room numbers on it? In what world does Ivan pick up the phone and wonder if Alexa is there? She’s not even on the show yet!

The producer who “accidentally” left his unlocked cell phone for Ivan to “find”.

To be fair, you can’t really blame the guy for wanting to “talk for a couple hours with her on her balcony.”

“Alexa. What does Alexa look like?”

After being read for filth about lying about Chelsea pulling him for a talk; and then breaking whatever rules exist for finding producer cellphones and visiting new contestants before their entrance on Paradise, Ivan excuses himself and probably numerous Instagram followers.

Other stuff that happened

Tia overrides the counsel from her nether regions and gives her rose to Box Dude instead of Bad Boy Blake with the Tats. Then Box Dude goes on a date and connects with newcomer Anna. The date involves turning body parts into food – again – and massages by big yellow snakes. I was barely into the first glass of wine, so I‘m sure this ridiculousness did happen.

We had an entertainingly weird and long commercial about coffee (sort of) starring Melissa Joan Hart. MDD looked up the website, and although we were a bit deeper into the wine by then, we’re sure this actually happened, too.

Mykenna shows up in the last week of Paradise, but nobody wants to date her. Ed comes to the rescue but at the expense of Natasha, who gets done dirty yet again. As I said, the producers hate us. #FreeNatasha

Shoutout to the unlocked producer’s phone that had a priestess on speed dial so that she felt called to restore Kenny and Mari’s negative energy while the rest of the Paradisers looked on. Spirituality as a spectator sport.

There was a 1980s prom with a terrible singer who we give our respect for his level of commitment to Super Freak, I Want to Know Love Is, and Almost Paradise. I imagine Chicago’s You’re the Inspiration was on his setlist.

Aaron goes to the prom with Chelsea and then goes after Tia? What?

Please. Can we not do this to Noah and Abigail? Has the pandemic not tortured us enough? Can this just be a Hallmark Movie fake-out crisis?

See you next week.

This week’s wine: Peñamonte Seleccion, a nice, medium body Spanish Toro Red containing a minimum of 75% Tempranillo. Good quality-to-price ratio at my local Wegmans.

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