Sustained Bleep

Well, that was THE most boring episode of The Bachelor franchise I’ve ever seen and I sat through all of Ari’s season.

This closed caption moment pretty much explains my feelings.

The primary reason for my boredom is Bachelor fatigue. After going from Clare to Tayshia to Katie to Paradise to Michelle and now to Clayton, I’ve had enough. I need a break.

The obvious second reason is Clayton, whose scant 30 minutes on Michelle’s Bachelorette was more than enough to make me wonder, “Seriously? He’s the next Bachelor?”

I’m sure he’s as lovely as the Evil Genius Producers (EGPs), and the thirty thirsty girls are making him out to be, but this is a television show, and he’s not very compelling to me.

Reason three is connected to the second. Because Clayton isn’t particularly compelling, the EGPs resorted to a lot of mostly lame gimmicks like cheesy intro lines and a girl who “hates” Clayton. But an even worse gimmick was the ridiculous pre-opening night drama over the no-longer-engaged Bachelorette who’s wedding date was supposed to be the first night of filming The Bachelor.

She CLEARLY was not over her ex-engagement; she CLEARLY had no business being there except for “entertainment” value; Clayton CLEARLY showed he has no discernment by offering her a rose while she went through her should I stay or should I go angst [cue The Clash]. Her turning it down perhaps is a metaphor for how we should feel about this season.

And this just in – the good folks over at @bachelordata Instagram have data suggesting that the timeline of her story is fake.

The fourth reason for boredom is my standard first-night rant: thirty very pretty and very thirsty women. That’s too many to differentiate or make sense of, although their level of thirstiness was at an all-time high. It felt like another lame gimmick to manipulate our interest in Clayton.

My final reason is Jessie Palmer as the host. A newer version of Chris Harrison doesn’t interest me. Kaitlyn and Tayshia interest me. Either one of them, paired with Rodney from the most recent Bachelorette, would interest me more.

There was one brief moment of comic relief.

See you next week. I await what “entertaining” gimmicks the EGPs will resort to.

P.S. I pulled out a bottle of wine but couldn’t get into the show enough to warrant opening it.