12 Things about Episode Two

1. Ratings. The premiere only got 3.5 million viewers, well below the two worst season openers: Colton Underwood (5.1m) and Matt James (5.2m). This means Clayton did way worse than the gay guy nobody liked and the black guy nobody liked.

2. Last week, ex-Bachelor (Season 6) host Jessie Palmer introduced himself to Clayton as “happily married” as evidence that “the process works.” This week Jessie introduced himself to the ladies as “happily married” as evidence that “the process works.” I have no idea whether he is “happily married” or not. What I do know is this: only one – 1! – of the previous 25 Bachelors married the woman they proposed to, and that was Sean Lowe. So, the process clearly does NOT work, and Jessie and the Evil Genius Producers (EGPs) are being disingenuous by telling the truth without telling the truth.

3. Lizzy McGuire aka Hilary Duff makes an appearance along with commercials for her show How I Met Your Father on Hulu, which is owned by Disney, which owns ABC. Talk about product placement. And is she really an “acclaimed” actress, singer, and songwriter?

4. Along the same “acclaimed” lines, The EGPs chose Amanda Jordan for the singer-we-haven’t-heard-of-but-the-lead-acts-like-she’s-Adele-level-famous trope. I’m sure the EGPs do this knowingly, but this time they went to the level of Clayton being excited about her song I Choose You, which is ludicrous because it was just released the Friday before the episode. By the way, Amanda is a not well-known Canadian country singer[1].

5. Dang, Cassidy was aggressive! Is she (hopefully) the one from whom Clayton wants to reclaim a rose?

Please allow me to introduce myself.

6. Dang, there are a LOT of delusional, neurotic, dramatic girls, especially the Deranged Duo of Cassidy and Shanae-nae. Is this casting the price we pay for Clayton being so boring?

7. The first group date (featuring the “acclaimed” Hilary Duff) was kid-themed. Are we going to be reminded each week how much Clayton wants to have kids? That said, how many of these delusional, neurotic, and dramatic women do we want near children?

When the children read you for filth.

8. Shanae’s ADHD bashing was loathsome and unnecessary. Surely, the EGPs could have edited most of that out.

9. Clayton reminds me of Peter ‘the Pilot” Weber in that he quite sincerely gives all the girls reasons to think he likes them the most. This may explain the previews we’ve seen of him admitting to being in love with multiple women and their devastation when they find that out.

10. Is it me, or does Clayton dress badly and looks bad in everything he wears? A zip-up over a tee for a hot dinner date? Seriously?

11. Here are two women not named Hilary Duff or Amanda Jordan we need to take very seriously. The first 4-5 women getting out of the limo typically includes a couple of women who will make the final four[2]. Susie got the first 1-on-1 and was an early limo intro. She’s adorable, and My Daughter Cassandra (MDC) thought she and Clayton looked cute together. Sarah got the second Group Date Rose and an early limo intro. Both are beauty pageant veterans for what it’s worth.

12. Another reason to pay serious attention to Susie is that since 2009, not only do the first 1-on-1’s tend to go very far in the competition, half of them become the next Bachelorette![3]

See you in two weeks as football supersedes our show. A break will be good. This season is requiring a lot of commitment.

P.S. This week’s viewing wine – Parcelica Chica Monastrell. A great quality-to-price ratio.

[1] No disrespect intended here. At 52,000 monthly Spotify listeners, I listen to many artists with that level of exposure or less. But such artists are at the bottom of the streaming pyramid.

[2] @bachelordata Instagram

[3] @bachelordata Instagram again.

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