Mara’s Many Mourning Moods

In a continuation from last week, Monday gave us another fast-moving episode featuring the introduction of a new villainess. Moving on quickly from Cray Cray Shananae’s early ouster to Mara’s mournings is a clear sign that the Evil Genius Producers (EGPs) are trying their darndest to make things interesting with an uninteresting Bachelor. Let’s break it all down.

We began by returning to last week’s cliffhanger in “international” territory in Niagara Falls and the 2-on-1 with Genevieve and Shanae. Clay-uhn pulls G-vieve aside first while Cray Cray skulks in the background [cue Rockwell Somebody’s Watching Me]. Indeed, Cray could have found something more interesting to watch than the utter lack of chemistry between Clay-in and G-vieve.

Clay-in then grabs Cray Cray, and she goes into actress mode – I’ll go with Anne Hathaway – by creating a story [cue Liar, Liar The Castaways] about G-vieve being an actress who’s lying to Clayton and pretending that she’s here for the right reasons when she’s with him.

Claytin buys the act and, right in front of Shanae, reads off the cue card pointedly asks G-vieve, ”Are you an actress, and are you lying to me?” Of course, G-vieve is shocked by the question, and after her hurt denial, Clay-uhn walks away, tortured by being made to act out the clearly fake drama created by the EGPs. When he returns, he gives the rose to G-vieve, much to the shock and anger of Cray Cray.

[cue Anastacia Left Outside Alone]

When his decision gets back to the mansion via the removal of the luggage, the girls are thrilled.

The Cocktail Party. Sara pulls Clai-tin aside first, which gets Mara into her feelings. Rachel is next up, and she’s whispering again. I think it’s kinda cute, but it makes My Daughter Cassandra (MDC) nuts. Whether whispering or full voice, it’s obvious how much he’s into her. Mara gets some time but gets interrupted when the EGPs send another girl after three minutes, and then she’s really into her feelings.

At the Rose Ceremony, Clay-tin gives Sara the first rose, which gets Mara into her feelings. For the first time, I became aware that someone named Hunter was living in the mansion, and so was someone named Eliza – hello! Where has she been hiding?? Serene looked fabulous, btw. We need her and Eliza in Paradise.

After feeling lots of feelings, Mara finally gets a rose and survives to be annoyed and annoying for another week. Alas, our Olympian Marlena is gone, but she would be fun in Paradise, too.

A Real International Trip. The venue gets moved to Hvar, Croatia with promotional considerations by . . .

Teddi gets the first 1-on-1, and this turns Mara’s feelings to catty. Later, when the Group Date names are read, it becomes apparent that Sara, Mara’s #1 antagonist, will earn her second 1-on-1 date, and Mara gets catty.

At the Group Date, the girls get lessons on how to become warrior princesses. I was very into my bag here. I’m a big fan of Scandinavian symphonic metal bands, and these bands do a lot of songs about Vikings and such.

Leaves Eyes and the incredible Liv Kristine who, unfortunately, is no longer with the band.

The girls compete in all manner of warrior games for Clay-uhn’s heart, including eating disgusting warrior things.

Serene won and was knighted as The Warrior Queen, which got Mara into her feelings. Unfortunately, there was no rose awarded for Serene’s efforts, setting up the possibility that she ate disgusting stuff for absolutely nothing.

The Cocktail Party. Rachel becomes the first girl to declare herself in love, and she does that without whispering. Mara’s in a catty mood as she decides to use her private time with Clayton to tell him how unfit 23-year-old Sara is for marriage, and kids, and other adult stuff, you know, cuz she’s just here to party all the time [cue Eddie Murphy Party All the Time[1]]. Because Clay-on believes everything, he starts questioning his feelings for Sara, who has been one of the frontrunners.

But the night ends with him getting a mysterious note to meet him “at the clocktower” later, and when he sees it’s Susie, he’s all kinds of excited.

She tells him she’s falling [cue Grass Roots Midnight Confessions], and he’s even more excited than when Rachel dropped the L-word. We can see that this triangle is going to be problematic later. And we haven’t gotten to Sara yet.

The 1-on-1. We don’t get to see much of him and Sara’s 1-on-1 roaming around town probably because Clayton was distracted by what Mara said about Sara. The action was at dinner, where a credulous Clayton gives credence to Mara’s catty accusations by point-blank asking her if she’s ready and willing to be engaged. This naturally freaks her out, drama ensues, and Clayton leaves the table and leaves her hanging for a while. Of course, because he really likes her, he concludes she’s there for the right reasons, leaving none of us surprised except for Mara when Sara struts in holding her date rose.

This sets up Sara-Mara drama next week, and I’m sure the EGPs have created some way of keeping us entertained even though we all know this will end badly for Mara and her catty feelings.

See you next week.

P.S. This week’s wine was in honor of Snoop performing at the Super Bowl. In terms of a review, MDC made me back off “awful” in favor of “not up to our usual standards.” We stan for Snoop, so I’m fine with that. Cost me less than $9.00 at Costco, so the only loss was to my taste buds.

[1] A really fun song written and produced by The King of Punk Funk Rick James. May he rest in Funkiness.

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