The Men Tell Small

Monday night’s The Men Tell All was brought to you by Virgin Voyages, who has the juice to make the Evil Genius Producers (EGPs) move a Rose Ceremony out of the show to make time for an in-show live promotion. Holy PR, Batman! Jessie said we could see the Rose Ceremony where ALL six guys got their invitations to Fantasy Suites at, except I couldn’t find it there. It’s bad to send relevant show content over to a website but it’s even worse to make it invisible on the website.

But before we deal with a rather tame Tell All, we have to complete the unfinished business of Rachel’s hometown visit to Aven’s parents who were quite civil to each other despite not having had any contact for an unspecified long period of time. But first, Rachel and Aven went to Salem, Massachusetts witch country to meet with Lorelai The Love Witch with a comically classic Boston accent [cue Lorelai Theatre of Tragedy[1]].

As to the meeting with the parents, the EGPs pulled a nice production trick on us. The last parental meeting we saw last week was the inquisition Rachel got from Tino’s parents. So, it was only natural that Rachel would be expressing a profound sense of nervousness about meeting Aven’s mom and dad, especially given their non-relationship status. And then our nervousness got ratcheted up when Aven’s dad started asking tough and skeptical questions.

But was all an illusion. Research by My Crack Research Staff (CRS) found that this was actually the FIRST visit taped, so Rachel’s feelings had nothing to do with Tino’s family and we viewers got caught up in the EGPs web of emotional deceit.

And also, Aven’s dad turned out to be a Rachel stan rather than a skeptic. With falling L-words being exchanged, the Rachel/Aven hometown went extremely well, almost too well. Like future heartbreak for Aven too well (see below).

Afterward, Jessie made his announcement that in the website-ed Rose Ceremony, Gabby and Rachel decided they wanted to keep everybody. Meanwhile, I’m still trying to remember who “everybody” is.

This brings us to The Men Tell All portion that I said was unusually tame. First of all, I was trying to remember who these people were. Did they actually appear this season?

Bachelor Nation trying to find guys they recognize.

Typically, the theme of Tell All is Men Who Behaved Badly Behave Even More Badly When Given Dedicated Screen Time to Show America How Badly They Can Behave. Instead, the theme was Men Who Behaved Badly Repent, Ask for Forgiveness, and Tell America What They’ve Learned That Has Made Them Better Men. Who asked for this?

Specifically, it felt like Nate and Logan’s Redemption Tour even if this woman wasn’t buying Logan’s explanation of how he was trying to follow his heart while going from Gabby to Rachel to Gabby.

Interestingly, Jessie NEVER mentioned the “situation” which sent Logan home. Again, my CRS has heard one explanation of Logan’s ouster from the show. Logan was one of many cases of COVID on the ship (e.g., show production, Virgin staff, miscellaneous contractors). Those with the virus obviously had to quarantine but quarantine on a cruise ship means being trapped in a floating room with no windows for an unspecified amount of time. Alternatively, you could decide to leave the ship to figure out your quarantine situation for yourself. It’s possible Logan chose the latter and the EGPs elected to leave out the details of his “situation” even on the Tell All.

Jessie called Nate down for a 1-to-1 interview and had him address the rumors swirling around him. Not exactly the hardest-hitting interview and I was left with the feeling that he was being redeemed for testing his marketability as the next Bachelor.

At this point, I’m as tired of writing about the Tell All as I was watching it. The last 30 minutes descended into a weak Paradise promotion, a too-long movie promotion, Meatball dousing himself in pasta sauce, and general silliness including dumb bloopers of smelling armpits. A strange season produced a strange Men Tell All.

I leave with a question: whose hands are holding this ring? Appears to be someone with somewhat dark skin. Is it the lighting or is it Aven? Hmmm . . .

P.S. This week’s viewing wine was the-always-excellent-and-I-should-buy-it-more-often Meiomi Pinot Noir.

[1] A defunct but once well-known Norwegian goth metal band featuring the angelic voice of Liv Kristine and lyrics in Early Modern English: “Ferie dearest, was it loe soothfast or a façade”

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