The Chastity Suite

Zach and his trio of prospective wives head off to Thailand. Each of them is anticipating alone time with Zach without knowing what bombshell he plans to drop on them (cue Gap Band You Dropped a Bomb on Me). But first, Jesse grabs Zach to discuss his pre-game plan while reminding him that Fantasy Suites was when “you got your heart ripped out of your chest” by Rachel. Zach replied by saying that he hoped the time will help him to learn a lot about each woman – for better or worse. And then he dragged Rachel again, “I, unfortunately, learned for the worse that time . . . I didn’t expect it with Rachel.”

Bachelor Nation has been tortured by this long enough. Will somebody please tell us what happened between these two?

And then Zach shares with Jesse his plan to turn the Fantasy Suite into the Chastity Suite (cue Kelly Clarkson I Do Not Hookup). Allow me to muse for a moment. Since the beginning, the Evil Genius Producers (EGPs) gave us reasons to allow our fervid imaginations to run wild about what happens in the Fantasy Suites without giving us actual evidence. Zach calling it “Sex Week” aside, it is known that many, if not most couples don’t zoom-a-zoom-zoom-zoom and a poom-poom in the Fantasy Suite. But the silent agreement between the EGPs and viewers eventually shifted to explicit revelations of hanky-panky. First, it was Nick Viall telling on him and Andy Dorfman in 2014. In 2020, it was Hannah B. telling Luke P. that she and somebody not named Luke P., i.e. Peter the Pilot, had “relations”. Several relations. And then there was last year’s saga of Clay-in getting busy with Gabby and Rachel but not with Susie. Finally, Zach and the EGPs collaborated to turn the rest of this season into a referendum on his chastity and lack, thereof.

With that out of the way, let’s summarize the dates.

Date #1: Ariel

Ariel muses about getting physical with Zach (cue Dua Lipa Physical). But first, they eat bugs (gross!) as an early appetizer for their non-dinner dinner. She drops the falling L-word and accepts the key to the Fantasy Suite only to be disappointed that it was going to be the Chastity Suite. The EGPs misdirect us with clever shots of clothes dropped around the room and conversations involving positions, uh, sleeping positions before the couple reveals that there was no nookie.

Date #2: Gabi

Gabi has already admitted to being in her head which came to a head when she told Zach she was in her feelings about being “chosen second” in terms of the order of dates. Much like his disastrous ending with Jess, Zach shows his inability to empathize. And it looked like disaster was about to ensue as they talked past each other. Wisely, Gabi excused herself to talk to one of the EGPs. This defused both of their feelings and Gabi walked away from the day date feeling better.

At non-dinner dinner, Zach gives her the chastity rules. Gabi’s response is to be setback and curious if he will abide by the rules. Spoiler alert: he doesn’t (cue Marvin Gaye Let’s Get It On). But we don’t learn that until later when Zach is alone in his hotel room voicing over his feelings of guilt over his inability to be chaste with Gabi.

And this begins the descent into a series of bad decisions by Zach. Before his date with Kaity, he feels the need to tell Gabi that he needs to tell the other girls about their boot-knocking. Uh, wut?

Gabi is understandably distressed by Zach wanting to go public with something that to her and any other normal-thinking human being is very, very private.

Date #3: Kaity.

They do some canoeing while we all wait for him to drop the bomb on Kaity. During the canoe time, we hear Zach voicing over his worries about the conversation he “needs” to have with Kaity while convincing himself that this is the right thing to do because, sure, telling one girlfriend that you just shook the sheets with the other girlfriend is always a great way to start a date.

Again Zach shows his lack of empathy – HIS ends justify HIS means – and Kaity walks away confused, hurt, and feeling “distant” all of which served to keep us cliffhanging wondering if she was going to show for non-dinner dinner.

Again, the time apart cooled things down and Kaity does return in a mood to talk things out. They do and it’s off to the Chastity Suite.

Rose Ceremony

At the Rose Ceremony, the EGPs included some voiceovers from Gabi and Kaity showing doubt about wanting a rose. Zach launches into a speech about “parameters” and “disappointment” with himself which must have Ariel wondering, “WTF is he even talking about?” How is that going to play out in After the Final Rose?

Kaity also tells Gabi that she knows she was the only one who got the goodies from Zach to which Gabi responded by saying that felt like she was wearing an ‘A’ on her chest. She also noted that Zach only made good eye contact with Kaity.

The Finale is next week. The girls meet Zach’s family and then he makes his decision. It does feel like he unintentionally (and without empathy) f-ed things up with Gabi out of a desire to protect Kaity. Then he did that badly, too. His final choice will be very interesting.

See you next week.

P.S. This week’s viewing wine was a Piatelli Gran Reserve Argentine Malbec.

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