Put It in My Cleavage

I saw the word “named” on a Tweet and thought it said “naked”. Thanks Male Model Jordan for imprinting me by attending the Rose Ceremony in nothing but boxers.

And to think that wasn’t even near the top of the list of egregious male behavior tonight.

[Cue Bad Company Bad Company]

Not only does one need to win the heart of Becca, one must be respectful about it. Because if you disrespect the process, there must be consequences. For example, it is apparently disrespectful to display in front of the other guys a picture of you and Becca given to you by Becca as your prize for winning the Obstacle Course in Tux Challenge. OK, Lincoln (the winner) was so, uh, obsessive uh, attached, nah, obsessive over his pic that I thought he was going to cuddle with it in bed that night.

Connor then took it upon himself to violate another person’s property by tossing the picture into the pool which is something every adult male stuck in an angry 14-year old boy developmental stage would do. When challenged by Becca, Connor said he’d never displayed this kind of aggression before, to which My Daughter Cassandra said either he’s telling the truth, which is an indication of a serious future problem; or he’s lying, which is an indication of a serious future problem.

Later on, Male Model Jordan, who is fabulously deranged, accused Lincoln of faking his accent which generated some white frat boy cackling from a few of the other Bachelors who apparently haven’t met any black people from, say, the U.K. or Nigeria. Maybe Chris Harrison can stop production for a day and bring in some Starbucks diversity training.

Becca gave a roses to Lincoln, Connor and Jordan which suggests the potential for more pubescent behavior from everybody.

And then there was more Male Model Jordan! In Week One, he decided to make his mark by out-dressing. This week, he decided to make it by undressing. Why he thought literally[1] wearing just his boxers to the Rose Ceremony was a winning strategy escapes me but when you’re fabulously deranged, I guess you see creative options where others see unimaginative convention. And to prove that point, when Becca asked where she should put his rose, he said “between his cleavage.” If Jordan is the season’s designated Bad Guy, at least he’s entertaining in ways we haven’t seen before.

With an incredible sense of irony, the guy who felt so strongly that Jordan-in-boxers was being disrespectful was the guy who showed up on Week One dressed as a chicken and shouting, “Be-Ca! Be-Ca!”, all night. Face palm.

Becca’s 1-on-1 date was with Blake who she clearly seems to be into. That L’il Jon provided musical accompaniment instead of some unheard-of artist[2] seems to indicate that L’il Jon is well on his way to being an unheard-of artist. And I’m pretty certain when Blake said he was a big L’il Jon fan, what he meant to say was, “I just heard of this guy when they told me to read my cue card.”

Becca is clearly smitten with Garrett, too, he of the liking offensive IG posts. Given what we know – including the usual “I’m sorry if I offended anyone who’s never been as offensive as I used to be but now I’ve see the light” apology when all the news broke – this means we’ll be even more invested in how far he makes it.

And finally, there’s Colton who dated Tia who was close friends with Becca from the last season of The Bachelor. AWKWARD!!! I can’t even think about any of that because every time I see him I get this entire imaginary narrative in my head: youth football and Little League baseball star. Met some star NFL quarterback like Dan Marino as a kid and got inspired to be an NFL player. Was a freshman sensation on the varsity football team. All state in football (fall) and baseball (spring). Prom King. Dated the cutest cheerleader who was a perky blonde. Was the president of his high school’s Fellowship of Christian Athletes.

So, of course, I’m looking forward to next week and the confrontation with Tia we saw in the previews (which probably amounted to nothing). And it appears we’ll get a My Girl Bekah sighting, too! But I’m hoping My Boy Steph Curry and the Golden State Warriors will have won the NBA Championship by then. If not, there will be a game next Monday and I love Steph more than I love Bekah.

See you (sometime) next week.


[1] Literal literally as opposed to hyperbole slang literally.

[2] Despite the fact that either the Bachelor or the Bachelorette says with glee, “[Unheard of artist] was there singing to us”, as if said artist wasn’t literally (see footnote 1.) unheard of.

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