[cue The Gap Band You Dropped a Bomb on Me] Tonight’s hometown visits episode took a rather dramatic turn from their usual predictability when girl talk with Becca and her besties turned into true confessions as Tia blindsided Becca by sharing that she still had feelings for Colton the Golden Child. We got an inkling that something was up when Colton’s Dad went right in on him and asked if he’d told Becca about Tia. Earlier this season we were led to believe by Tia and Colton that they’d just had a few dates that amounted to nothing and, therefore, “it” was “over”. To that point, I thought the highlight of Colton’s hometown was that his mom noted how “perky” he looked with Becca, which was the first time either My Daughter Cassandra or myself had heard a guy referred to as perky.
The Tia-bomb contributed mightily to Becca’s tortured decision to send Colton home and also to a very spirited discussion with My Daughter Cassandra over whether Tia was being honest back when her and Becca first discussed L’Affaire de Colton. And whether Becca was being honest with herself by trying to rationalize a bad decision against someone she feels strongly about in favor of safer choices. And whether the clip from next week showing her agonizing over swearing to never “pull an Ari” (my words) means that somehow she brings Colton back. Which I hope happens because then one of the other guys has to go instead and finally this dreadfully boring season gets some badly needed juice. I know it all sounds very conspiratorial but a guy can dream, can’t he?
As to the other visits, Becca went to Monteca, CA where Garrett could show her the place that made him the man that he is today, which at the time of the filming was a man who held some extremely toxic political views. His family reminded me of those Family Feud families that are really loud, over-share, are excessively happy about everything and constantly clap at really stupid stuff.
Then Becca was off to Buffalo, NY where Jason could show her the town that made him the man he turned out to be which I thought was going to be something about being a loser. (My friends from Buffalo (and I have many), we kid because we love. I do wish you had won one of those Super Bowls. And I can honestly say that some of the best times in my life have happened in Buffalo.) After the obligatory visit for wings at the Buffalo-famous Anchor Bar, Jason went all-in with the L word. [cue Savage Garden Madly Truly Deeply] However, Jason’s mom wasn’t sure Becca sounded ready to reciprocate.
Next up was a trip to Bailey, CO to meet Blake’s family where we finally got an impromptu concert from a reasonably current and semi-known artist, Betty Who. Becca claimed Betty was her favorite artist which immediately moved my skepticism meter but she was singing along near the front of the stage in that fangirl way I know all too well. Blake’s family was especially concerned with him getting his heart crushed in the still sizeable wake of an apparently painful divorce. Blake’s validation needs from last week’s episode seem to make those fears reasonable. [cue Elton John and Kiki Dee Don’t Go Breakin’ My Heart, a song I have long found detestable] However, Becca did indicate that she might be feeling the L word towards him.
Finally, Becca ended with another Denver-area visit to Parker, CO (where I’ve eaten at a P.F. Chang’s and a Bonefish Grille) to visit “perky” Colton and his family. Little did we know that Colton’s mom’s assurances that he could be ready for a proposal (despite his lack of experience in relationships) were to get upended by Becca’s BFF Tia. [cue The Gap Band You Dropped a Bomb on Me again because it’s a killer song at anytime]
P.S. As this post was in progress, ABC poked some holes in my already airy conspiracy theory by releasing to Twitter a clip of Colton and Tia showing up in Paradise. Stay tuned for mayhem.
 I’m waiting for deeper questions such as: “What were his SAT scores?” “How long can he hold his breath under water?” “Does he know the lyrics to any songs by Abba?”
 Just once I’d like to hear Steve Harvey say, “What’s wrong with you people?”