I’m In Paradise

Thank you and bless you Bachelor in Paradise. Tonight was everything. No. It was more than everything [cue those sometimes funny, sometimes annoying Geico commercials about getting more].

Chris Harrison and His Evil Genius Production Minions have left me feeling that it’s impossible to out-snark a show that snarks on itself with such wicked brilliance. Paradise KNOWS it’s making fun of itself. And like an expert winemaker knows how to perfectly blend different style grapes, Paradise knows how to mix the right blend of characters to captivate us. Combined with perfect scripting and editing, it weaves us into its spell of mischief, malevolence and mayhem.

I can’t compete with this. And since this show is all about summer vacation, I want to take a lighter, less analytical approach for my musings. Therefore, my plan for Paradise musings is to recount my personal highlights, observations or reflections from each episode.

Colton tiaI am SO here for the Tia[1]-Colton drama and Chris and his minions played that to the max. Admit it – we all want to know how this hot mess is going to play out. And who we’ll end up shunning because of it.

Wait – did Dave the Chicken Suit Guy and Male Model Jordan nemesis from this past Bachelorette season actually say something to the effect that he regretted not being able to marry his best friend – um, his mother? Holy Oedipal Complex, Batman!

Kendall (I’m more than a taxidermist. I picnic at graveyards.) I didn’t like her at first on Arie’s season and then I came to like her and her quirkiness (minus the taxidermy and picnic venues). I hope Paradise doesn’t make me unlike her.

Speaking of Male Model Jordan, we didn’t get much of him. I need him to be more than just a pretty face and I’m assuming the producers will put his special brand of narcissism to good use for our – and by “our” I mean “my” – entertainment.

Krystal is still cute, still bat-droppings crazy and still has zero self-awareness. Somehow, I don’t find her annoying.

Referring to the Paradisers who show up without apparently having watched as many Bachelor franchise shows as the rest of us and are immediately smitten with the deplorables, My Daughter Cassandra said, “On Bachelor and Bachelorette you can get away with not knowing anybody. But on Paradise you HAVE to KNOW your people!” This is wisdom.

My favorite “date” between two people I don’t remember at all went something like this:

  • Him: I’m really attracted to you.”
  • Her: “I’m going to bed.”


Alright, I wrote more than I expected.[2] And Chris Harrison and His Evil Genius Production Minions have me excited about next week’s TWO shows. Alas, I’ll be in Chicago and they have blues clubs I like to go to I am addicted to when I’m there[3]. I’ll likely still muse again next week, but I’ll be late.

The mischief. The malevolence. The mayhem. I do love it so.


[1] Former nickname Raven 2.0. But now that we don’t like her anymore and cannot hold her in the same esteem as our beloved Raven, My Daughter Cassandra has christened her as “Anti-Raven”.

[2] And I’m the only one who’s shocked.

[3] And, yeah, with a Twitter DM to my people I can get on the VIP list at one of them. 🙂

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