Keep Hope Alive. Or Not.

[cue High Hopes, either Sinatra or Panic! At the Disco] Sydney the NBA Dancer hopes all the drama between the girls is over (that sound you hear is me snickering). Caelyn hopes her pageanty past with Hannah B. won’t come between her and Colton (that sound you hear is me snorting). Of course, we experienced viewers know that The Bachelor is where hope goes to die. Certainly, Colton giving the Group Date rose to Caelyn right-in-Hannah’s-face ended any hope that there would be less drama between them. Said Group Date also involved drama between everybody – especially the “older” girls – and Demi the Dastardly Diva – whose brand of dastardliness[1] I am warming up to.

Elyse got this week’s one-on-one and seemed to do well being thrown into Colton’s passion for kids. The dinner was perfectly set up for an unknown-but-they-act-like-EVERYBODY-knows-them musical artist (Tenille Arts[2]) “performing just for us!” By “just for us”, I’m sure Elyse meant a paid for crowd of people bussed in for their “special moment.” Elyse seems nice enough but I didn’t really see any serious sparks.

The Bachelor’s Strongest Woman Contest – do we really believe that one of the girls flipped a 150-lb. truck tire and one pulled a limo? Some serious non-reality reality TV there.

Because the post-date serenade trope in Elyse’s one-on-one wasn’t trope enough, we got The Girls Now Know This Is Serious trope when Colton sent Caitlyn home because he just wasn’t feeling it with her.

caelyn hannahWhat Colton is feeling is a lot of confusion with Caelyn and Hannah G. that has him going in circles [cue Friends of Distinction Going in Circles]. He genuinely seems to like them both but I understand his bewilderment. When I hear attractive women throwing around words like “manipulative” and “toxic” and “deceitful”, I think I’m watching cable news talking about Vladimir Putin. But this is The Bachelor where cattiness comes in premium sizes.

[We interrupt this blog because I wrote in my notes that once again My Daughter Cassandra asked me to hit “pause” so she could ask, “Who is she?” It was Nina. Who I actually have no clue who she is now that I’m writing this. There are still too many women.]

However, there aren’t too many women that Colton hasn’t figured out that My Girl Hannah B. is still one of his faves. She fretted about not getting any kind of date card but at the pool party he reassured her that he didn’t need more time to know how he felt about her. How is she not getting at least a hometown visit and/or Fantasy Suite date?

The only remaining drama was if the hot-buttered mess of self-consciousness that is The Other Hannah would survive to get a rose which, of course, she did because the drama that surrounds her and Caelyn’s pageanty past makes for good TV. And maybe a future juicy two-on-one.

This episode was way too predictable and rather uninteresting. I find myself needing more of Demi the Dastardly Diva. Hopefully – OMG am I hoping, now? – I’ll get my wish.

___________________________________

[1] The squeaky, nasally voice and general cluelessness about her annoyingness are part of her charm.

[2] Apparently, she was on The Bachelor last year. I don’t remember that.

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