IT’S LIKE NOTHING YOU’VE EVER SEEN BEFORE!!!
OK, Chris, you overcame my skepticism. I will finally agree with one of your (typically empty) breathless proclamations and not in a snarky way. Tonight was surprising and even quite captivating.
We began with The Search for Colton in the Portuguese countryside with a missed opportunity to have Colton’s thoughts about His Girl Cassie be accompanied by Bon Jovi in the background:
An angel’s smile is what you sell
You promise me heaven, then put me through hell
Chains of love got a hold on me
When passion’s a prison, you can’t break free
Oh, you’re a loaded gun, yeah
Oh, there’s nowhere to run
No one can save me
The damage is done
Shot through the heart
And you’re to blame
Shot through the heart was pretty much our theme for the night.
Once found by the Chris Harrison Crew, Colton realizes what he has to do and it begins with breaking up with Tayshia. Is it me or do the broken-up with girls look so much more beautiful in the hot seat with Counselor Chris? I feel like the producers are manipulating me into thinking, “Seriously? He broke up with her!?,” a manipulation I find destestful when I haven’t liked the girl all season. For Tayshia’s part, she took her breakup well. She was actually comforting him. In any case, one down, one to go.
Next up was Hannah G. The “G” is for Goin’ Down (cues up Mary J. Blige):
Why’d you have to say goodbye
Look what you’ve done to me
I can’t stop these tears from fallin’ from my eyes
I’m goin’ down
I’m goin’ down
‘Cause you ain’t around baby
My whole world’s upside down
This was a bad breakup made worse by her being all up in her feelings looking stunning in the fabulous green dress on the sofa with Counselor Chris. Seriously dude? You broke up with her? And what now for Hannah G.? Does she go back to being the girl in a country song? Or will her content creation go to even higher levels? Will she be on Paradise? Will Chris tell us tomorrow that she’s the next Bachelorette? Am I actually breathlessly asking questions to my audience like Chris Harrison?
(OK, since I went there, I think the answer to next Bachelorette is no. Pretty, very personable but too introverted to carry the show.)
And that means . . . “FOR THE FIRST TIME IN BACHELOR HISTORY, THERE’S NO MORE WOMEN LEFT ON THE SHOW!”
That is the best line ever uttered in the history of The Bachelor franchise. [cue the insanely fabulous voice of Tom Jones in all its glorious earnestness]
I, I who have nothing
I, I who have no one
Adore you and want you so
I’m just a no one with nothing to give you but, oh
I love you
Then we had some stupid interlude where a bunch of ex-Bachelors sympathized with Colton and tried to explain how he was feeling and that he needs to follow his heart and soar with the eagles and a thousand-mile journey begins with the first step and whatever. I’m pouring myself another glass of rose´ Cava.
Finally, we closed with mysterious previews of Colton’s decision to pursue Cassie. There was clearly a missed opportunity to have legendary Dutch DJ Armin van Buuren playing in the background
Hold me now
Nothing else matters
It’s just the two of us
And if it all falls down
Nothing else matters
I know we’re strong enough
I’m not giving up
I’m not giving up on us
I said I’m not giving up
I’m not giving up on love
All loving snark aside, I found tonight’s show riveting mostly because it was surprising. As Chris said (and said, and said, etc.), we’ve never seen anything like this before. It turned something expected and predictable into something quite captivating. And it has me wanting to find out how it all goes down. We know what Colton wants to do. But how about Cassie?
Alas, I’ll be traveling and working and will be late watching the Finale and certainly be late blogging about it. I will do a final post as soon as possible. I promise.
Tayshia and Hannah G., the BeeGees have you covered: How can you mend a broken heart . . .
 Songwriters: Richard Sambora / Desmond Child / Jon Bon Jovi, You Give Love a Bad Name lyrics © EMI Music Publishing, Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC, Universal Music Publishing Group, Kobalt Music Publishing Ltd.
 Aka Pastor Chris or Social Worker Chris
 It’s not a word but you get what I mean
 Songwriters: Norman Jesse Whitfield, I’m Goin’ Down lyrics © Universal Music Publishing Group
 Songwriters: Giulio Mogol Rapetti / Carlo Donida / Mike Stoller / Jerry Leiber, I Who Have Nothing lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC
 I should have Chris Harrison create for me the job of creating Bachelor Spotify/iTunes playlists and creating season soundtracks.