Like Chris Harrison, I have lots of questions but unlike Chris Harrison I’m not going to breathlessly shout them at you. What if two people who’ve known each other for a few days didn’t have to get engaged according to a primetime TV calendar? What if two people with a mutual attraction simply decided to date each other? What if someone who isn’t sure what they want for their life doesn’t want to make a lifetime decision? What if The Bachelor and The Bachelorette were . . . rational?
Well that wouldn’t be any fun, would it?
I think we all believed Colton was going the get Cassie back in the game with his Beatles-like plea:
Try to see it my way,
Only time will tell if I am right or I am wrong.
While you see it your way
There’s a chance that we may fall apart before too long.
We can work it out
That and the fact it would have been hard to fill a two hour Finale with no girls left.
Still, as atypically rational as it all went down, for me the Cassie-Colton story managed to have a very satisfying ending. Well, except for seeing Colton’s new bad haircut that should be grounds for a breakup by any reasonable woman. It was satisfying seeing Cassie’s entire shift of mindset when Colton told her he had broken up with the other girls. And her revelation of why she was so undecided – a previous toxic and controlling relationship – was another thing that was very satisfying. It turns out that her hesitancy was for some right reasons.
And boy, oh, boy was it ever satisfying to not be subjected to those ridiculous viewing parties as in past years. They might be fun to go to – although I refuse to even go to a Super Bowl party – but it’s not compelling TV to watch a TV viewing party, especially with “commentary” by ex-Bachelors/Bachelorettes who have the unenviable task of trying to make these parties SO UNBELIEVEABLY EXCITING!!!!! THE NEXT-DOOR NEIGHBOR ACTUALLY BAKED A CAKE DECORATED LIKE A FANTASY SUITE!!!!
Alas, Chris Harrison felt it necessary to double down on the bad idea of having ex-Bachelors spout inanities. At least I assumed they were inanities. I fast-forwarded through that entire segment.
Fortunately, I was warned of the appearance of Air Supply in a text that also included the word “pointless.” My text reply after witnessing whatever it was they did: “The only thing worse than Air Supply is old Air Supply. And it’s way worse than something that’s already the worst.”
Finally, we got our announcement of Hannah B. as the next Bachelorette and I believe I had that. We were then “treated” to a head start of her season. Here are my actual texts to My Daughter Cassandra:
- OK I actually started laughing at the brother with the accent who brought bubbly to meet Hannah B.
- OMG n then some Texan dude rapped to her? WTF??? 😳
- Who are these guys??? OMG they are awful!!!
- She gave the Rose to the awful rapper instead of the brother bearing bubbly? (Insert many bad words here) I hate everything.
- I was actually trying to like her awkwardness but WTF.
It’s going to be an interesting season of The Bachelorette . . .
And with that, boys and girls, you all get my Final Rose. I’ll be back for The Bachelorette and, of course, my favorite – the ridiculiciousness of Bachelor in Paradise, especially with Demi the Devilish Diva.
Cue up The Spaniels Goodnight Sweetheart: (Do-do-do-do-do), Goodnight, sweetheart, well it’s time to go . . .
 I make no apology to any Air Supply fans. I have my standards.